Having a few drinks

I’m having a Friday night with one of my best, dinner and a few drinks. Nothing special just enjoying the company of a close friend. My problem is that always when I drink I am afraid that my demons will “attack” me. That all my suppressed feelings will hit me like a tsunami and that the night will end in puking in a panic attack. Any way, I’m learning to drink in moderation and yet be able to have a few drinks with my friends. I don’t want all or nothing, I want normal.

Please give me a chance to live a “normal” life sometimes.

Try to discuss your sex life in detail with your uncle

I have not told more than a handful of my closest friends and family about this blog and yet I had about 200 visitors last month. This means that you who have visited the blog has found your way here on your own, I do not know if it’s good or bad. Good because it is important that things like this comes up to the surface so it does not become something to be ashamed of. Bad because some of you may have ended up on my blog because you’ve been through something similar, and I do not mean bad that you ended up here but tragic that it happened to you too. I feel for you. 

I have a wish that one day I can be the public with my blog, I know I write that you should not be ashamed that you the victim of a rapist while I am not ready to stand for it myself. I really do not know why, I do not feel ashamed and I do not want it to be something that must be kept secret. I just want to be strong enough to handle the comments that comes with it, from those who think that rape is something you must blame yourself for. I do not understand how these people think, unfortunately they do exist. Narrow minded idiots. 

At the moment I am at a crossroad, I don’t know which way to go from here. I know I am not done with therapy but at the same time I am not ready for more therapy right here and right now, it have to wait.  When I have had my darkest and toughest moments I wished for someone to know what it was like, I didn’t want to know the person because that would be too much. I can’t really explain it but when it comes to rape it is so shameful and sickening so talking about it is really hard, especially with people you know. Try to talk to your mum, dad, brother or sister about your sex life, as detailed as possible and you can understand what I mean. Maybe helping others can heal me but next problem is I don’t really know how to help others. Any ideas? I want this to end up in something good, I don’t want this to only result in struggle, self-destruction and depression. I know that if I can create something out of this, it will be easier to live with. 

I want a normal sex-life, dont know it that is ever going to happen. That really really sucks. Just had to share it.

 

Cry my heart out- playlist

These are two songs on my “cry my heart out” playlist. Sometimes I just need to be by myself, close the door, turn up the stereo and just cry my heart out. Crying for all the things I never got to be sad about when they were happening to me. I think during those years I just shut everything out, in order to survive I just didn’t do feelings. I think that was me surviving, me entering survival mode, my only focus was to get through it.

Some days, I can be as happy as it is possible to be and from nowhere this sadness fills every piece of me, it even aches in my bones. I think that it is all those feelings I couldn’t deal with back then, I have accepted that it is ok to feel now and with the life I have today I can handle it and get through it. I think the only way to put it behind me is for me to let it out and tear by tear heal.

Join me in healing, not forgetting but accepting by listening to my songs and send me a thought of strength.

I never had any one to talk when this happened, please feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to. Without others, life is unneccessary hard.

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