Grieving a lost childhood

I’m at the library, this feeling of sadness just hit me. I feel like a train just ran over me. I’m filled with this huge feeling of grief, I think it’s me grieving over years of lost childhood. I was on the phone with my mum the other day, the police had talked to her and she was going through her old diaries trying to find notes that could back up my story.  She read a piece from one of her old diaries, I must have been around 14 at the time, where she describes her sense of helplessness. She saw that I was struggling, she saw my pain but she could not do anything about it. I shut her out, I wouldn’t tell anything and if she tried to just be there for me I made it impossible. I cried out for help but made sure no one could give it to me. It tore my parents apart, inside and out.  So here I am, at the library, crying on my inside while trying to mend the depthless hole that this has created.

For the first time in my life, I am letting someone in. I am being the real me, I am done with trying to be something I am not. I want the people in my life to be in my life because they love me for who I am and what I am. I’ve started the journey to find who I really am, facing the emotions that lies along the way is a neccessary process to go through. If I want to put this behind me I need to find the courage to face everything that I couldnt face during the years of horror. I need to grief for that little girl inside me who used all her courage just to make it day after day.

I want to be curled up in my parents arms. I want this to have never happened. But there is no use in dreaming of things that cant come true so I will let my dad and mum know how I am feeling so that I let them be there for me this time and Ill dream of putting this behind me instead.

 

 

FUCK YOU!

I’m not feeling ok, there is too much going on and I feel like I am slowly breaking down. I’m trying to fight it, trying to keep it up but it’s like my shell cracks. This morning I woke up feeling so angry! I hated everything! I wanted to smash something and nothing went as it should and that just kept building up the anger inside me!

I’m about to finish my master’s thesis, start my new job first of october, having a long distance relationship, moving out of my apartment in less than two weeks and the police is dealing with my report. It feels like I can’t breathe and the worst part is that the slightest unexpected happening puts me over the edge. A thin thread keeps me together and as long as I can control everything that happens I’ll make the day but when something that I havent planned for happens, I lose it. Yesterday my boyfriend told me over Skype that he wont make it this weekend due to work and normally that would be fine by me because I know that he is new at work and wants to start his career, I support him and I’m proud of him. The problem is that it was something that I didn’t control and I didn’t have the energy to fight my disappointment so it felt like someone kicked me to the curb. I tried to tell him that I’m proud of him and that I am happy for him but I realized that he didn’t buy that at all, who can? When im saying I’m happy for you while crying my eyes out.

Today was a catastrophe from the moment the alarm went off. I still felt bad for letting my emotions affect my relationship, I’m tired of this thing affecting absolutely everything. That makes me angry, angry that life isn’t fair and angry that someone elses acts ruins my life, over and over and over again. Then the day begun, I dropped stuff, out of toothpaste, couldn’t find my keys, headache and so on. Finally I made it to Uni and found some sort of peace in the library. They day seemed to sort itself out until I notice that both mum and dad had called several times. The police had asked them  both to come to the station and give their side of the story and yet again my world got turned upside down. I make it home, boyfriend calls on Skype and it is going ok until he gets all mopish. I ask him what it is and he wont tell. I feel it in my stomach, this is no good. He sais it is nothing, I don’t like when people say it is nothing because that usually means there is something greater. I chose to trust him, that it is nothing and we decide to hang up and to say good night later.

And that is where I am at right now, I’m in bed feeling in my stomach that something is up. I want to cry but I can’t. I don’t know how. I was eating my dinner when I was on Skype, I couldn’t finish after “it’s nothing” because I felt nauseous. I think I love someone for real for the first time ever and the thought of losing him is not bearable at the moment. So in order to make it, I don’t chose to trust and I have no other choise but to trust that “ it is nothing, just a bad day“.

I’m so angry. I’m am so fucking angry! I deserve to be ok, I deserve to function so that I can have a relationship. I deserve to let someone love me. I, thanks to the rapist, make it almost impossible to love me. I scare people away and if I somehow don’t scare them off it usually ends with me pushing them away.

Right now, fuck absolutely everything. Screw life. Screw you who by raping me fucked up my entire life. Can you feel my anger?

FUCK

This slideshow requires JavaScript.