I’ve been listening on that song all day, repeatedly. The phrase “ we are not forgotten” comforts me in a mildly hurting way. It makes me feel like it is ok to be sad, it is ok to be hurt and that I am not forgotten. I have not forgotten myself, I still havent given up and there is hope. I hurt when I listen to that song but I hurt in a good way. It is like I can let go of some pain through that song by not escaping my feelings. I sent it to my closest friends today and asked them to listen to it and to be there for me where ever they are through that song.
When I’m not ok, when life is harder than other days I can not feel too much because it feels like I will break. I am on the verge of breaking down, the mildest attempt of kindness or love breaks downs all my walls and defences. You know when you are so busy with just holding it together so when someone asks you how you are, all you can say is fine but you know if they ask again or show any kind of physical comfort the tears will start to roll down your cheeks and the pain will hit you harder than a car on a freeway. This day has been one of those days. I wrote an email to my mother last night, telling her how I feel and that I am sorry for not being able to be physically close to her right now. She loves me so much that I cannot handle it right now, it is to intense and it will break down all my walls and I am not there yet. I wrote that I love her and that she is the best mother someone could ever wish for and that I know that she is there even when I push away. I feel guilty for pulling away from my family but right now I can’t do anything else. When I woke up today she had sent me a response, I read it and the email was one of those second lines of how are you and that hug that breaks down your walls. I cried, from the heart, from the soul and there was a sadness inside of me aching in every part of my body. It reminded me of the purpose to my fight, I fight for me and that what was she wrote. She told me she knew, my mum always know before I do. She wrote that she loves me no matter what, she loves me through everything I have to go through even if it means pulling away from her sometimes. The pureness and the honesty in her response helped me to feel that it is ok to be not ok. She is honest with what I go through, she sais that it is hell and that it is ok to be hell. I need that. I sometimes forget that. I have not yet accepted that I am not ok, that I have a wound greater than words can describe and that it is infected and hidden in deep scar tissue. When mum sais it is ok to be sad I can let go of my own defence and allow myself to be hurt.
The song playing now is Anna Ternheim, Shoreline. The words are like knives.
“I’m not the boy that I used to be
this town has got the youth of me
all the eyes turn hollow
from the work of sorrow “
I know that there is only one thing I can do and that is to not give up. And I wont, I wont ever give up. But days like this one I have to remind myself of why I bother to fight. I fight because a life without going through this is no life at all. It is a life with no emotions, no feelings and no true love. I’m terrified but determined. He has already taken so much I wont give him more. I will heal, I will be ok, I just have to accept that I am not there yet but feeling like this is part of the way of getting there. Feeling at all is a huge progress for me because for so many years I did not feel at all. I was completely numb, I did what I was told and I stayed busy all time. I never gave myself the opportunity to feel. I survived that way but I can’t live that way. Right now it is not surviving everyday anymore, not it is surviving the hard days and learning to live the other ones.
I am responsible for my own actions but I can not control all that happens to me. I have to accept that I did not do this to me. He did. I am not responsible for what I have been through but I am responsible for how I act my way out of it.