I feel this extreme loneliness eating me up from inside. I want to run, escape and leave it all behind but I can’t. I can’t outrun myself, this is my life and as hard and unfair it is I have to accept it. I struggle, I don’t always or more accurate almost never show it but I do struggle. Every day, every moment is a fight. Small things in my everyday life turns into huge dilemmas just because having to struggle with this every single day leaves no energy left to live “a normal life”. My emotions are upside down and my feelings are nine out of ten times irrational. I’m tired of not being able to just be “normal”. If someone rejects me I feel an instant ache in my chest, I feel unwanted, alone and forgotten and I drown in thoughts of “what did I say? What did I do? Am I not good enough? Why don’t you like me?“. It doesn’t matter if it a colleague saying their to busy at the moment or if it a date that stops getting in touch, I can’t handle being “not chosen”. I know why, or I think I know why, it’s because all those years I felt so alone, scared and not being able to love myself I depended in others to love me. If they didn’t love me or like me it proved me right. I was worth nothing.
I can be such a bitch sometimes, I know it. I make others unlike me by choice, because if they don’t like me
It proves that there is nothing wrong with me not liking me either.
I know it’s contradicting but nothing in how I feel or how I sometimes act is rational or explainable. I’m real fucked up.
If I had three wishes, I would wish;
•that my life had never crossed path with his
actually I think that is my only wish and if I had three wishes I would make the same wish all three times just to make sure it came true.
There are other things I wish was different but some things is just life. People get sick, people don’t last forever and there are rough spots in everyone’s life’s. We all have our struggles. That is why I believe in karma because if I have to have all the other struggles as well; how the hell will I make it?
When life is though, when I’m lying here drowning in the feeling of loneliness with tears rolling down my cheek I keep telling myself that life will come around. I just have to make to most of it meanwhile and one day I will be able to breathe without feeling razor blades.
You fucked me up and for that I hate you