Tag Archives: Quotes

Cry my heart out- playlist

These are two songs on my “cry my heart out” playlist. Sometimes I just need to be by myself, close the door, turn up the stereo and just cry my heart out. Crying for all the things I never got to be sad about when they were happening to me. I think during those years I just shut everything out, in order to survive I just didn’t do feelings. I think that was me surviving, me entering survival mode, my only focus was to get through it.

Some days, I can be as happy as it is possible to be and from nowhere this sadness fills every piece of me, it even aches in my bones. I think that it is all those feelings I couldn’t deal with back then, I have accepted that it is ok to feel now and with the life I have today I can handle it and get through it. I think the only way to put it behind me is for me to let it out and tear by tear heal.

Join me in healing, not forgetting but accepting by listening to my songs and send me a thought of strength.

I never had any one to talk when this happened, please feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to. Without others, life is unneccessary hard.

 

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Fuck being fucked up!

It’s been ages since my last post, so much have happened and I have tried to make this part of my life as non-existing as possible. Every now and then I try to forget, try to convince myself that this is all history and that I am ok.  Then like a nuclear-bomb it all hits me again, breaking me down inside and out. I have come so far but I still have a long way to go.

I think of him every day, not a day without him in my mind. The taste of disgust in my mouth and the sickness in my stomach each time his face shows up. It is like I am haunted by the memories, like he still owns me and control my feelings and mind. During those years I lived in constant fear, a feeling that still does not let go of me. I am incapable to trust anyone who says they love me. I always believe that those closest to me will leave me and as soon as I get the feeling that someone is about to leave me behind I do everything in order to make it impossible to love me. Just so that I can say; ” I told you, you don’t love me!”. I keep proving to myself that I am unlovable instead of trying to just see what happens if I give in, if I let people love me. Maybe if I let people in, If I let go of the control people might just stay around and actually love me for who I am.

It is extremely difficult to let go of control. If I can’t control what happens, I am extremely vulnerable. If I can decide in advance what people will think of me, it’s easier, even if it results in me being difficult to like at least I know what people think of me.

It means I do not have to worry so much about what others think of me because I’ve already made sure that they don’t like me. If I’m not in control of what others think of me, chances are that they may not like me for who I really am. Then they are not liking the true me and that’s the scariest thing in the world. While those who like me, like me for who I really am then love me for my true self. I have to start facing life, trying to be my honest me every day because otherwise I will miss out on those who actually would have liked me if I had let them do it.

I will have to start letting go of control because otherwise I will miss out on life. 

 

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I feel better now, with every post that I write I feel that a tiny piece of my past is lifted of my shoulders. Bye bye anger, disappointment, fear, pain and disgust!

 

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im fucking pissed off!

Mornings like today I can tell that I have all this anger inside of me that needs to come out. I wake up and from the moment I leave my bed everything annoys me and I want to cry and scream. I try to make myself ready for work but when im putting on makeup I want to break the mirror because all I see is ugliness, when I try to decide outfit I feel obese and the trousers that fitted just fine yesterday won’t go above my knees. I know it is all in my head but it doesn’t help. The anger inside builds up and the angrier I get over nothing the more starts to go wrong. Breathing and trying to just be ok with how I feel is all I can do but it sucks. It is hard to explain but you know those mornings when you spill your coffee, drop your mascara on your white new t-shirt, cant find the keys etc? If you are in a good place it is ok, you get annoyed but you dont bother that much. I go bananas! I scream at the mirror, throw the pants, kick the wardrobe and that is not normal behaviour. The difference now compared to a few years ago is that I know why I feel so much anger but I still havent found a way to deal with it. Good thing is that people around me have much more patience with me ans understanding since I told them, before they would just think I am a complete idiot and tell me to get it together. I need to find a way to bit by bit let my anger out.

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anniversary of going public with the rapes

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It is hard to figure out how to live my life. I am tired of being where I am but at the same time I know change and letting go takes time. I am trying ti accept that I cannot change everything at once,  time heals so time has to take just time.  I guess it is because it is hard that I want it to be over quicker, everything thag hurts you want done as quick as you can but this has no quick fix. It is part of more than half my life. I just relized it must soon be almost exactly a year since I told my parents.  No wonder I am all messed up.

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I wish you were raped

My attorney texted me yesterday telling me all charges against him would be dropped due to lack of evidence. My story was not enough. He had denied. The prosecutor had decided that there was nothing in the case that supported the accusation of sex with a minor. I want to be angry but all I feel is empty, disbelieved and dirty. I feel like there is nothing more to life because what he did to me has fucked my entire life up. I screw up every relation I have, he stole my right to be a kid and a teenager and it effects everything every fucking day!

How will I get my life back?

I keep surfing for motivational quotes, it sais “never never never give up”, “you never know how strong you are until you had to be” and “if the storm doesnt kill you it will make you stronger”. My storm has lasted for more than half of my life, it isnt blowing any less and it definately feels like it is breaking me apart and not building me up.

I know I will never give up, beacuse if I was to give up I would have done it years ago. I am just so fed up with this, when will it end? When will I get my life back? 

I texted my family, best friends and boyfriend the news yesterday. I couldnt talk to them, it would like be that hug that you cant accept when your on the verge of breaking down and it would push me over the edge. I know I would fall and hit ground so hard that all scars holding my wounds together would break.

I dont know where to go from here or what to do. I feel trapped. I feel let down. I feel worse than I have for a very long time. Worst of all I feel ashamed that this is my story and for that I hate him.

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Will the fear go away?

I’ll be ok, just not today, today Im scared. 

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My inside died when I was young

I’ve been listening on that song all day, repeatedly. The phrase “ we are not forgotten”  comforts me in a mildly hurting way. It makes me feel like it is ok to be sad, it is ok to be hurt and that I am not forgotten. I have not forgotten myself, I still havent given up and there is hope. I hurt when I listen to that song but I hurt in a good way. It is like I can let go of some pain through that song by not escaping my feelings. I sent it to my closest friends today and asked them to listen to it and to be there for me where ever they are through that song.

When I’m not ok, when life is harder than other days I can not feel too much because it feels like I will break. I am on the verge of breaking down, the mildest attempt of kindness or love breaks downs all my walls and defences. You know when you are so busy with just holding it together so when someone asks you how you are, all you can say is fine but you know if they ask again or show any kind of physical comfort the tears will start to roll down your cheeks and the pain will hit you harder than a car on a freeway. This day has been one of those days. I wrote an email to my mother last night, telling her how I feel and that I am sorry for not being able to be physically close to her right now. She loves me so much that I cannot handle it right now, it is to intense and it will break down all my walls and I am not there yet. I wrote that I love her and that she is the best mother someone could ever wish for and that I know that she is there even when I push away. I feel guilty for pulling away from my family but right now I can’t do anything else. When I woke up today she had sent me a response, I read it and the email was one of those second lines of how are you and that hug that breaks down your walls. I cried, from the heart, from the soul and there was a sadness inside of me aching in every part of my body. It reminded me of the purpose to my fight, I fight for me and that what was she wrote. She told me she knew, my mum always know before I do. She wrote that she loves me no matter what, she loves me through everything I have to go through even if it means pulling away from her sometimes. The pureness and the honesty in her response helped me to feel that it is ok to be not ok. She is honest with what I go through, she sais that it is hell and that it is ok to be hell. I need that. I sometimes forget that. I have not yet accepted that I am not ok, that I have a wound greater than words can describe and that it is infected and hidden in deep scar tissue. When mum sais it is ok to be sad I can let go of my own defence and allow myself to be hurt.

The song playing now is Anna Ternheim, Shoreline. The words are like knives.

I’m not the boy that I used to be
this town has got the youth of me
all the eyes turn hollow
from the work of sorrow “

I know that there is only one thing I can do and that is to not give up. And I wont, I wont ever give up. But days like this one I have to remind myself of why I bother to fight. I fight because a life without going through this is no life at all. It is a life with no emotions, no feelings and no true love. I’m terrified but determined. He has already taken so much I wont give him more. I will heal, I will be ok, I just have to accept that I am not there yet but feeling like this is part of the way of getting there. Feeling at all is a huge progress for me because for so many years I did not feel at all. I was completely numb, I did what I was told and I stayed busy all time. I never gave myself the opportunity to feel. I survived that way but I can’t live that way. Right now it is not surviving everyday anymore, not it is surviving the hard days and learning to live the other ones.

I am responsible for my own actions but I can not control all that happens to me. I have to accept that I did not do this to me. He did. I am not responsible for what I have been through but I am responsible for how I act my way out of it.

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