underlying story wanting to be told

My therapist asked me if I wrote a diary during the years with the assault. I asked my mum if she could go through my old stuff and see if it was there, and it was. I have had it for a few days now. Today I took it out from the bag. The first post is written in november of 2001, the year I turned 15 and at that time the abuse had been going on for more than 2 years. I bought a blank notebook and on the front page I have a photo of myself, I teared it up before gluing it on. The text on it is written with newspaper letters, it’s all black and white, no colors to light it up and just from looking at it you can tell that I was not ok.  The text on the front sais:

This little girl wants to leave, but where would she go?”
” I say NO!”
“Don’t feel sorry for me” 

Why is everybody against me?”
I stared at it for at least an hour before I found the courage to open it, I honestly had no clue what I would find in it. It is about 80 pages written during 2001-2005. I read it. I hadn’t written a single word about the abuse, the sexual assault and the rapes but if you read between the lines it is obvious there is an underlying story wanting to be told.

At 16 I had written:
I got discipline, because I laugh when all I want to do is cry”
“I cried a river but havent shared a single tear, soon I will drown in uncried tears.”
I’m emotional disabled, maybe have I during my 16 year-long life got the wrong idea of what love is”

I know that I need to write down everything that happened but I don’t know where and how to start. Its like climbing a mountain blindfolded and with a broken leg. Today I opened a document and saved it, I havent written anything in it yet but just saving a document is a great step for me. I will get it done, I want to but it’s going to take time because this is no easy story to tell.

You gave me a story to tell, a story no one should have to tell and for that I hate you,

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