Monthly Archives: March 2013

im fucking pissed off!

Mornings like today I can tell that I have all this anger inside of me that needs to come out. I wake up and from the moment I leave my bed everything annoys me and I want to cry and scream. I try to make myself ready for work but when im putting on makeup I want to break the mirror because all I see is ugliness, when I try to decide outfit I feel obese and the trousers that fitted just fine yesterday won’t go above my knees. I know it is all in my head but it doesn’t help. The anger inside builds up and the angrier I get over nothing the more starts to go wrong. Breathing and trying to just be ok with how I feel is all I can do but it sucks. It is hard to explain but you know those mornings when you spill your coffee, drop your mascara on your white new t-shirt, cant find the keys etc? If you are in a good place it is ok, you get annoyed but you dont bother that much. I go bananas! I scream at the mirror, throw the pants, kick the wardrobe and that is not normal behaviour. The difference now compared to a few years ago is that I know why I feel so much anger but I still havent found a way to deal with it. Good thing is that people around me have much more patience with me ans understanding since I told them, before they would just think I am a complete idiot and tell me to get it together. I need to find a way to bit by bit let my anger out.

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fuck speed limits

Every time I’m on the road I get this feeling of moving forward, leaving my past behind.  I can feel the energi and the motivation, music is blasting out of my car stereo and I just feel

Fuck you I will not let you ruin my life,  best revenge is knowing my life will be awesome and yours sucks.

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almost worth it

Today is a pretty good dag. Before I started to acknowledge all that has happened to me I was constantly living in a numb state, with that i mean i didnt feel much at all. The true feelings i did have was anger and sadness.  I didnt know that back then but I do now, the bottomless happyness that I experience some days reminds me that it is worth all the hard work.  I want to be able to feel. A life without feelings isn’t worth much. Today I know what true happiness is and that it doesn’t have to be related to any special event or person, it comes from within.  Right here,  right now I am feeling a bubbly childish happiness and I smile.  I write this so that when life really sucks I can remind myself that it is worth it.

Tears needs to be cried in order to make room for a proper smile.

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anniversary of going public with the rapes

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It is hard to figure out how to live my life. I am tired of being where I am but at the same time I know change and letting go takes time. I am trying ti accept that I cannot change everything at once,  time heals so time has to take just time.  I guess it is because it is hard that I want it to be over quicker, everything thag hurts you want done as quick as you can but this has no quick fix. It is part of more than half my life. I just relized it must soon be almost exactly a year since I told my parents.  No wonder I am all messed up.

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