Tag Archives: life

Perspective

Perspective. That’s what I got from all of this, perspective on life and all the challenges it brings. Whenever life is tough and tries to knock me down, I remember that as a thirteen year old girl I was strong enough to survive years of mental and sexual abuse. Thinking of the strength I have within me, makes me proud. I know I will survive, whatever life brings me. I know it will be tough, I know that I will be seconds from giving up, I know I will cry, I know it will hurt but I also know that I will survive it. It’s comforting to know that.

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Having a few drinks

I’m having a Friday night with one of my best, dinner and a few drinks. Nothing special just enjoying the company of a close friend. My problem is that always when I drink I am afraid that my demons will “attack” me. That all my suppressed feelings will hit me like a tsunami and that the night will end in puking in a panic attack. Any way, I’m learning to drink in moderation and yet be able to have a few drinks with my friends. I don’t want all or nothing, I want normal.

Please give me a chance to live a “normal” life sometimes.

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I’m not one of those who can hide my feelings

Emotionally screwed up. I’m sick of my feelings not acting in a rational way, they can’t handle the slightest rejection and they hurt unreasonably much. I try to talk with them, understand them and figure out where they belong. I guess I have to accept that I am emotionally handicapped. They make my life complicated, normal everyday situations can for me be a “mountain to climb“. I want to be just me, right here, right now enjoying life but I don’t know how. They control me and make sure that I screw things up. It’s 4 pm, Sunday afternoon and I just want this day to end. I’m gonna go to bed, try to sleep this day out. They say life gets easier, time heals, wounds close and scars fade and I guess that I’ll just have to live through it and hope they know what they’re talking about. Fuck this day.

How am I suppose to handle the obstacles life puts in front of me when I have to use all my energy to leave the old ones behind?

I’m emotionally screwed up and for that I hate you.

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Descending with tears

I do really hate this part of the day, when I have to go to sleep. Most of the times it takes forever before I can turn of the TV, I can’t bare when it’s quite so after the TV is shut of I have to listen to music. My playlist is called “heartbroken“, it puts me to sleep every night. Lately I’ve cried myself to sleep exhausted from fighting of memories I can’t bare to think off.

You know the feeling you get in your chest when you have to do something you really don’t want to do? That’s how I feel when I have to go to sleep. It started after my first night with the boy I’ve met, I think the comfort I felt sleeping in someone’s arms made me realise how scared I am when I am on my own. The night is the darkest hours of the day in many aspects.

I’ve been texting with the guy all evening and I can really tell when my fear of going to bed kicks in because it is when I start to read everything the text doesn’t say. What I am trying to say is that earlier in the evening when I do feel ok I can be glad for the simple reason that he just sent me a text. I just received a text saying “good night, sweet dreams. Kisses! and I react by thinking “why didn’t he write sweetie? Oh no he is not into me. Look I know I’m crazy, you don’t have to tell me that. But I also know that I react like that because I hate to say good night since for me going to sleep is the worst part of the day. I think I try to feel hurt by him so that the pain in my chest will be identifiable. Then after reasoning with myself I know that I really appreciate his good night text and that I just have to realise that the pain in my chest is from what I still partly ignore, the rapes and the abuse.

Life is scary but for the first time in my life I am ready to take it on. I decided that I rather get hurt for real than keep living this fake emotional life I’ve created. I have some of the worlds greatest friends that truly carries me when I don’t have the energy to walk. I’ve had the courage to tell my story to some of them and for the rest I am still trying to get enough courage to do it. I am so scared and yet my fighting spirit is stronger than ever.

I am still descending, but in a controlled way. I’m moving towards rock bottom because I need to get down there, face all that I’ve been true and build myself a new foundation to stand on. It’s a long way, the longest one I’ve ever walked. Feeling like I do now and knowing that the worst is yet to come is terrifying and yet worth it. I know, for the first time, in my heart that I will someday be ok and in order to get there I can’t skip any steps. This time I’m in it for real, and by it I mean my life. I’m taking it back no matter what the costs are. I’ve tried living like this and I promise you that it’s no longer worth it unless it becomes real and real means feeling. So I am feeling and here I am in my bed crying my heart out.

You played with my life and for that I hate you.

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