Tag Archives: family

Try to discuss your sex life in detail with your uncle

I have not told more than a handful of my closest friends and family about this blog and yet I had about 200 visitors last month. This means that you who have visited the blog has found your way here on your own, I do not know if it’s good or bad. Good because it is important that things like this comes up to the surface so it does not become something to be ashamed of. Bad because some of you may have ended up on my blog because you’ve been through something similar, and I do not mean bad that you ended up here but tragic that it happened to you too. I feel for you. 

I have a wish that one day I can be the public with my blog, I know I write that you should not be ashamed that you the victim of a rapist while I am not ready to stand for it myself. I really do not know why, I do not feel ashamed and I do not want it to be something that must be kept secret. I just want to be strong enough to handle the comments that comes with it, from those who think that rape is something you must blame yourself for. I do not understand how these people think, unfortunately they do exist. Narrow minded idiots. 

At the moment I am at a crossroad, I don’t know which way to go from here. I know I am not done with therapy but at the same time I am not ready for more therapy right here and right now, it have to wait.  When I have had my darkest and toughest moments I wished for someone to know what it was like, I didn’t want to know the person because that would be too much. I can’t really explain it but when it comes to rape it is so shameful and sickening so talking about it is really hard, especially with people you know. Try to talk to your mum, dad, brother or sister about your sex life, as detailed as possible and you can understand what I mean. Maybe helping others can heal me but next problem is I don’t really know how to help others. Any ideas? I want this to end up in something good, I don’t want this to only result in struggle, self-destruction and depression. I know that if I can create something out of this, it will be easier to live with. 

I want a normal sex-life, dont know it that is ever going to happen. That really really sucks. Just had to share it.

 

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I cant accept that hug right now so you have to force it on me.

Yesterday I took a huge and scaring step, I called the polis station to set up a time for when I will make the official report. Tomorrow at 10 am. I’m scared, confused, broken down, more scared, strong, alone, afraid and more scared. I don’t know where I will go afterwards, where do my life go from here? Will they be able to prosecute him or will word against word not be enough evidence? I stand by my decision, I need to file a report. What he did is not legal and filing a report is a step in my process of accepting that it was not my fault and that it was not ok. But I am so scared. The journey from here will be rough, hard and terrifying because no matter what the outcome of the report is I will be affected by it. Either it will go to court and then I have to testify out loud and in front of him what I have been through and everyone will know. If it wont go to court I will have to deal with the feeling of being unheard and my faith in the justice system will be challenged.

I’m in one way I’m feeling ok but at the same time I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck several times. I don’t really know what to do, I’m afraid that I’ll break down if I open up to much and that I can not cope tomorrow. I’m not trying to shut friends and family out I’m just trying to cope. 22 hours and 37 minutes, Id rather run a marathon without preparing for it than doing this but this is my lot, my life and this is what I have to deal with. There is a quote that helps me in times like these;

"Rock bottom is a good solid ground, and a dead-end street is just a place to turn around"

Maybe I need rock bottom, I need to find a solid ground to build my life on because building it on lies and denial makes it shiver in every little storm. When I woke up yesterday I felt strong, I felt like I owned the world and that I could conquer what ever crossed my path. I took all this strength and dialed the number to the officer I spoke too last time. 3 minutes later when I hung up, all my energy was drained and the feeling of “conquering the world” was long gone. I sat a long time on my kitchen chair, shivering and trying to get it together because as I wrote I’m afraid that if I really let go and feel what I need to feel I wont be at the station tomorrow.

I’m one exam and half a masters thesis from a masters in science. The exam is in a week and the thesis is due at the end of September but for the first time ever I decided that what I feel and how I feel is important and yesterday I felt that I need to file this report no matter what, then that is what I have to do. So if I don’t pass the exam this time, there will be other times. My life is here and now and I’m tired of putting it in front of me instead of living it.

I am definately not ok, Im terrified, Im lost and I dont know how I will react tomorrow or where/what to go/do afterwards but there is a meaning in everything and right now this is what I have to do. I will be ok, eventually.

So dear family and friends, Im not trying to push you away or to shut you out, I just cant ask for you to be around right now, I cant talk about it, I cant feel to much, I dont know how to share it or how to ask for you to know what I need without me telling. I need you, I really really do I just cant show it. Me not answering is not me ignoring you, it is me surviving. Me not asking for you is not me not needing you, it is me needing you so much I cant ask for it. Ive never been here before, I dont know how to or what to do and I dont expect you to either. This is just me trying to cope and to make it, surviving and breathing.

Im gonna go back to bed now, playing way to loud on my stereo and just ignoring the world and Im gonna cry my eyes out.

 

 

 

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Charged batteries and ready to report!

It’s been a while since I posted on this blog. Writing here means facing my feelings and the last few weeks I have been putting my feelings off trying to charge my batteries and just being a normal student.¨

After I told my parents it was like if I was drained, I had no energy left. I never thought I would tell them so when I did it took all of what I had to do it. When they knew, my brother and sister and the rest of the most important people in my life knew and I saw my pain in their eyes, I could finally relax for a while. I knew that I wasnt alone anymore and that I would never ever carry this on my own. It has taken me a few weeks to accept that they know and right after I told them I wish I hadn’t because the feeling of never being able to suppress it or ignore it again was terrifying. From this moment no matter how hard it gets the story is told and I can’t act like it never happened. When I started therapy I was afraid that when it got to though I would do like always, flee, ignore and suppress untill it didn’t hurt anymore. I realise that telling my family ment that I can flee when I can’t handle it because I know they will carry the pain for a while, they share it with me and they will help to get through it even when it is so though that it seems impossible to get through. So I think that is what I have done the last few weeks, I have let them carry my pain for a while meanwhile I have charged my batteries.

I will report it to the police. For me that is a huge step and I know that it will break me but its okay because I know that I will never be able to rebuild my ground unless I break down the one I am standing on for the moment. What he did to me was crime, I don’t know if it will ever leed to him being charged for it but at least I can live with it, I did my best. My dad sent me an article from the news paper today, it was about a similar case where the prosecuted actually got charged as guilty and dad wrote -“It is never to late”.  It doesn’t matter that it happened several years ago, I relive it every day so for me it is still a part of my present. The actual rape and abuse is in the past but the memories and the feelings I carry with me all day, every day and every where. For me this isn’t the past and reporting it to the police is a part of the process of making it become my past as well. Reporting it means telling it all, every part of it, having to remember things that I promised myself never to remember and telling things to others that I thought would never cross my lips, secrets so deep Im not sure I can find them within me. Im so scared, Im scared because I know it will hurt so bad that I wonder if it is worth to keep breathing and I am scared that they wont believe what I have to say. I know my family does and I have to remember myself that that is what matters. I am also scared that he will hurt me and even more scared that he will hurt someone I love. I am so scared and all I can to is face it. It is like bungyjumping with a safetyline you dont really know if it will work.

Today I ate, I ate loads, I ate untill I felt sick. I couldnt understand why because I wasnt hungry and then I realised; this is me trying to find other ways of feeling bad rather that facing the real reasons. That is what I have done since the sexual abuse started. Either I eat so I feel sick, drink untill I pass out, sleep with guys I don’t want, slam my fist into the wall and much more.  If I feel disgusted I eat in order to try to blame the feeling of being disgusted by myself on the fact that I ate so much. If I want to forget memories that wont go away I drink until I pass out. If I have to prove to myself that sex means nothing in order to try to normalize the abuse and rape I go out and sleep with someone I don’t want to so that I can justify the feeling of being used and raped. If I hurt to bad, I slam my fist into the wall because physical pain is easier to deal with. I realised my behaviour a few months ago and still I do it but the difference is that I can now forgive myself a lot easier because I understand why I do it and that it actually is okay. It is my way of surviving and in the end that is all that matters, that I survive and make it through it.

I will make it and there is no question about it but god damn it is gonna be a long bumpy road there but one day I will stand there with the greatest smile and not having to punish myself anymore. I will be happy because I realised that I deserve it.

For everything you are I hate you.

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I’m broken into a thousand pieces

I’m far from ok. I thought telling my family would make it easier to be not ok because I thought them carrying me when I couldn’t stand on my own would make it easier. It didn’t. It’s harder. Them not knowing meant that I could keep pretending that my story wasn’t a part of my reality. When I couldn’t bare that my history is my story I pretended that it had never happened and since my family didn’t now the truth it made it easier to pretend. I can’t pretend anymore, I can’t escape my history so what to I do now in the moments where I can’t bare my story? I ended up flat back on my kitchen floor earlier this evening, all energy just drained and I fell apart. My story keeps slapping me in my face, I can’t outrun it and there is no where I can go where it isn’t a part of who I am. It’s unbearable.

Tomorrow I am going home, the train leaves in 7 hours, it’s 11 pm now and I know that it will be impossible to get any sleep to night. If I do, nightmares will haunt me. I don’t want to see my parents faces, I don’t think I can bare to see my story in their expressions. The pain my story is causing is enormous. My father cried when he heard it.

I decided that I will report him to the police.

You broke not only me but my entire family and for that I hate you!

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My dad knows. My mum knows.

I found my courage. As of today my secret is no longer a secret. I’ve cried for the last six hours. My head is killing me. For the first time ever in my life since the abuse began I feel safe. My parents can now carry me when I can’t.

‘”Even from a dark night songs of beauty can be born.”‘

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Please help me out of hell

I’m in my favorite chair, all lights except one is turned off and I play one song loud and on repeat  “Takida- You Learn”. I don’t know what the lyric is about but the title, you learn describes my entire life. When I hear the song I think of all the things I have been forced to learn.

I learned to live with it I learned to get through the day I learned that no matter what I will somehow put one foot in front of the other I learned that I am always on my own I learned that life hurts I learned that pain is a more common feeling than happiness I learned to hide I learned to live with pain I learned to live a lie I learned that life isn’t what I thought it would be I learned that no one can be trusted I learned that I am invisible I learned that no one truly cares I learned that life sucks I learned to smile while crying inside I learned that no matter what I do I will end up on rock bottom I learned that I have nothing to lose I learned that I might as well try because life can’t be any worse than this I learned to lie I learned that childhood is not for everyone I learned things no child should ever know”

 

I learned life the hard way and it sucks.

 

It has been a rough couple of weeks where ive felt like ive been kicked while already lying down. My last therapy session was the most painful one so far. I broke down, I cried so I could barely breathe. When I left the session I had decided that I need to tell my parents because I need them when I feel like that. When I struggle to find my will to keep fighting I need them to pick me up and make sure that I will make it this time to. I have fought this battle on my own my entire life and I am not sure that I can keep doing it on my own. I called my parents as soon as I left the session, neither of them picked up the phone and neither of them returned the call until a few days later. When they returned my call I no longer had the courage to tell them. I don’t know how to tell them, I know I want to tell them but I don’t know how to. I know that there is no right moment to do it that there are only bad ones.

I am done with being sad, I don’t want to feel like this anymore and yet I am stuck in it. I know I have to get through it in order to feel better. I can no longer hide from it, try to avoid it or ignore it the only way to feel better is to get through it. I read a quote the other day; “If you are running through hell, keep running”. I believe I am in hell because I have not felt worse than this and I am afraid that if I stop now, I wont make it so I will keep running and keep fighting. The worst part is that I have to get through it alone if I dont find my courage to tell my family.

I dont want to go to bed. I have been up since 4am, 20 hours later I am still up. I am nackered but I dont want to go to bed, I feel so alone and it hurts so much as soon as I turn off all lights and try to go to sleep without no one holding me. Please someone hold me. Please someone find me some courage to tell my family. Please someone help me through this.

You made hell a part of my life and for that I hate you.

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No more strength

When there is no strength left to get through the day, how do you push trough? I don’t know how to bare the pain I feel in every inch of my body. The only good part of the day is when I drink my morning coffee and watch the news because there and then I have enough energy to feel the joy of being alive. That is before 6 am and after that I enter robot mode in order to make it though the day.

I feel so alone. I have the best of the best friends and yet I feel like I’m the only person walking this planet.

My family is unaware of my story, to them I am this girl with to much skin on her nose but who they are damn proud of because what ever she takes on she will get it done. That is me. I know they think I am selfish, have an attitude and are self centred. They don’t know that the reason is because I had to be like that in order to survive and I have completed every challenge I have ever taken on because when I focus on something with all my energy I can, and only then, I can forget everything else. That is why I have a masters degree in science, not because I’m smart but because it saved me. Spending almost all hours of the day in school made it possible to escape my thoughts.

I have realised that i feel so alone because I haven’t shared my story with the ones who are supposed to love me no matter what. I haven’t given them chance to proven them selves. I have to tell my family. If I can’t call them when I am struggling with my will to live what’s the point of having a family? I am so scared. I am scared of what they will say and how they will react. I don’t know how to say it but I know I have to say it. There is no going back after telling them, I can never untell and it will change everything. But I have to tell. Because I need them and I need them bad.

I’m 26 and I have never felt a stronger urge to be held, I need my family to carry me because right now I have no strength to walk. I am hitting rock bottom in high speed.

You did something unforgivable and for that I hate you more than words can express.

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Tears rolling down my cheeks

I hate this part of the day when I’m in bed and I’ve turned off the lights. I have nothing that distracts me from my thoughts and feelings. I don’t know what just hit me but it feels someone just put an enormous stone on my chest. The stone is so heavy that I have to fight for every breath. I know I won’t stop breathing but it feels like I have to fight for every breath. Memories are attacking me because they know I’m weak at this hour of the day. I get affected and I can’t fight them. I just have to watch them as tears are rolling down my cheeks. I knew this would happen but at least I had one good weekend without the pain and the memories.

I don’t want to go to sleep, I’m scared of what I might dream. I wish someone would hold me right now and tell me that it is ok to be scared and that it is ok to cry when you are hurting. The problem is I haven’t shared my story with the ones I would need the most, my family. I’m 26 and still I wish that my mum would hold me and tell me that I will be ok. But how can I ever tell this to my parents and at the same time how can I not?

Tears keep rolling down my cheeks. I am not ok. I am scared and all I can do is keep trying even when it hurts the most.

I can’t go to sleep on my own without tears rolling down my cheeks and for that I hate you.

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