Monthly Archives: March 2012

My dad knows. My mum knows.

I found my courage. As of today my secret is no longer a secret. I’ve cried for the last six hours. My head is killing me. For the first time ever in my life since the abuse began I feel safe. My parents can now carry me when I can’t.

‘”Even from a dark night songs of beauty can be born.”‘

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Please help me out of hell

I’m in my favorite chair, all lights except one is turned off and I play one song loud and on repeat  “Takida- You Learn”. I don’t know what the lyric is about but the title, you learn describes my entire life. When I hear the song I think of all the things I have been forced to learn.

I learned to live with it I learned to get through the day I learned that no matter what I will somehow put one foot in front of the other I learned that I am always on my own I learned that life hurts I learned that pain is a more common feeling than happiness I learned to hide I learned to live with pain I learned to live a lie I learned that life isn’t what I thought it would be I learned that no one can be trusted I learned that I am invisible I learned that no one truly cares I learned that life sucks I learned to smile while crying inside I learned that no matter what I do I will end up on rock bottom I learned that I have nothing to lose I learned that I might as well try because life can’t be any worse than this I learned to lie I learned that childhood is not for everyone I learned things no child should ever know”

 

I learned life the hard way and it sucks.

 

It has been a rough couple of weeks where ive felt like ive been kicked while already lying down. My last therapy session was the most painful one so far. I broke down, I cried so I could barely breathe. When I left the session I had decided that I need to tell my parents because I need them when I feel like that. When I struggle to find my will to keep fighting I need them to pick me up and make sure that I will make it this time to. I have fought this battle on my own my entire life and I am not sure that I can keep doing it on my own. I called my parents as soon as I left the session, neither of them picked up the phone and neither of them returned the call until a few days later. When they returned my call I no longer had the courage to tell them. I don’t know how to tell them, I know I want to tell them but I don’t know how to. I know that there is no right moment to do it that there are only bad ones.

I am done with being sad, I don’t want to feel like this anymore and yet I am stuck in it. I know I have to get through it in order to feel better. I can no longer hide from it, try to avoid it or ignore it the only way to feel better is to get through it. I read a quote the other day; “If you are running through hell, keep running”. I believe I am in hell because I have not felt worse than this and I am afraid that if I stop now, I wont make it so I will keep running and keep fighting. The worst part is that I have to get through it alone if I dont find my courage to tell my family.

I dont want to go to bed. I have been up since 4am, 20 hours later I am still up. I am nackered but I dont want to go to bed, I feel so alone and it hurts so much as soon as I turn off all lights and try to go to sleep without no one holding me. Please someone hold me. Please someone find me some courage to tell my family. Please someone help me through this.

You made hell a part of my life and for that I hate you.

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No more strength

When there is no strength left to get through the day, how do you push trough? I don’t know how to bare the pain I feel in every inch of my body. The only good part of the day is when I drink my morning coffee and watch the news because there and then I have enough energy to feel the joy of being alive. That is before 6 am and after that I enter robot mode in order to make it though the day.

I feel so alone. I have the best of the best friends and yet I feel like I’m the only person walking this planet.

My family is unaware of my story, to them I am this girl with to much skin on her nose but who they are damn proud of because what ever she takes on she will get it done. That is me. I know they think I am selfish, have an attitude and are self centred. They don’t know that the reason is because I had to be like that in order to survive and I have completed every challenge I have ever taken on because when I focus on something with all my energy I can, and only then, I can forget everything else. That is why I have a masters degree in science, not because I’m smart but because it saved me. Spending almost all hours of the day in school made it possible to escape my thoughts.

I have realised that i feel so alone because I haven’t shared my story with the ones who are supposed to love me no matter what. I haven’t given them chance to proven them selves. I have to tell my family. If I can’t call them when I am struggling with my will to live what’s the point of having a family? I am so scared. I am scared of what they will say and how they will react. I don’t know how to say it but I know I have to say it. There is no going back after telling them, I can never untell and it will change everything. But I have to tell. Because I need them and I need them bad.

I’m 26 and I have never felt a stronger urge to be held, I need my family to carry me because right now I have no strength to walk. I am hitting rock bottom in high speed.

You did something unforgivable and for that I hate you more than words can express.

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Rejected.

The boy I’ve been seeing for the past month told me yesterday that he is not interested in me. For the first time ever I am actually handling the feeling of being unwanted in a normal way. I can really tell that I have developed since I started the therapy last year. It hurts, but it hurts because it always hurts to be rejected. If it had been just a few months ago I would have cried my eyes out and decided that I am not ever gonna be loved, this because I have never let myself be sad without a reason and as soon as I had a reason to be sad I channeled all my emotions to that. As for example, when our dog died last year I almost had a panick attack because it was like someone pushed a button on me and told me it is ok to be sad now. I am feeling rejected, unwanted and sad but the right amount of it considering we only dated for a month. Im more ok than I thought I would be, when he told me I waited for my normal reaction and when it didnt come I actually surprised myself with smiling.

I am all fucked up and for that I hate you.

 

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Always lived my life alone

I’ve always been surrounded by people, I have a great family and the best friends and yet I feel alone. It’s like the loneliness can’t be cured, it doesn’t matter what I try to fill it with it is still there. The more love I get the more alone I feel. It makes no sense but it is the harsh truth. So why bother with love at all? I struggle with that everyday because I want love to be a part of my life. It sucks to be me right now. I just want to walk away from everything, just buy a one way ticket and start a new life somewhere else and when there is to much love there I move and do it all over again. I’m used to be on my own, not sharing, not opening up and the deep loneliness has been a part of my life for so long that I don’t even notice it anymore. Until there is love. Love reminds me of how life should be, it fills me with so much anger and pain because I hate hate hate hate that the assault made me distance myself from everything that mattered. I can’t stand that I missed out on so much, it’s like thinking of death, there is nothing you can do about it and yet you can be so angry with it. I feel like that and love triggers it, it triggers the feeling that I only live once and someone has stolen a few of my priceless years. Love reminds me, and I am angry that something that is beautiful and worth living for feels me with anger and pain. I could run a thousand miles and the pain would still be there. Fuck it! I just want to scream from the top of my lungs, hit something, cry and yet here I am appearing to be all ok if you would happen to walk by me.

You stole my ability to love and for that I sincerely hate you.

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A chapter from my sweet 16

This is my journal. My story and my way of making it through. When I write I just write the words that my fingers creates from the keys on the keyboard. I don’t think about what I write, it is like if I was on autopilot, my fingers dance away and create words, the words builds sentences that creates chapters of my story. I never know what I will write about and sometimes I feel lost in my posts and I am always surprised when I press publish because somehow the confused memories has created a complete chapter in the story of my life. The chapters are from both the past and the present and I have realised that; what I have been through affects every day of my life and that is why I sometimes can’t differ between now and then. A lot of the times I start to write about how I feel today and after when the post is complete it is like it has guided me and helped me to figure out where the feelings come from.

I never knew that words from strangers could be comforting but your comments have proved me wrong. This morning I woke up to a comment that made me cry. She made me realise that my story has an effect on people and when you tell me that what I have been through is not ok, it helps me to realise that it was not ok. I have struggled for so many years with the blame, I have blamed myself for what happened. I can’t count the times I’ve thought; What if I would have done something different? What if I would have just refused to get out of bed one morning? What if I would have jumped in front of a car to make it stop? I finally realised that it doesn’t do me any good to think what if. I can never change the past, all I can do is change today and my future. I can’t control everything that happens to me but I can control what I chose to do with it. I am in control of my own choices and I’ve decided to stop thinking; what if. It is harder than it sounds, because life is full of choices and by stop thinking “what if” you have to take responsibilities for all your choices and if you make the wrong one you have to make it work anyway.

I am scared of showing too much emotions, I’m afraid that I will scare people off. I hate that, I hate that I am not brave enough to stand up for what I feel. So what If I say I love you to a friend or a boy. If they feel cornered or uncomfortable it is their problem, no one has the right to be angry at you for saying you love them. I hate that I am scared of how they will react if I show that they actually mean something to me. I am so damaged that I can’t even say “I think I’m really starting to like you” without it feels like I am throwing myself of a cliff.
I am afraid that I will look stupid if I show to much emotions. I sent the boy a good night message, I didnt know what to write so I took a picture of myself where I made a “kissing” face and just wrote, goodnightkisses! I pressed send and a minute later I felt like an Idiot. Why? I dont know. If he thinks Im stupid it is his responsible to let me know. Go me for daring to look stupid!
I think I know why I have such a problem with telling people of how I feel, it is because I care to much about what they will answer me back. I have to understand that telling someone you like them is not a question it is a compliment to them and that I dont need a reply. Telling someone you like them is losing control, it is daring to see what happens when you open up. Will they stay or will they run away?
There is the key to my problem, I cant lose control. My therapeut told me that Im in such need of control because that was my lifeline when the abuse was going on. I made it through, day after day, year after year with the help of control. By controling my day I made sure that no unexpected surprises happened. If something unexpected happend and broke my pattern of control I broke down completly. Telling someone you like them is losing control because you go from something you know what it is til somthing unknow. But that is life, daring to take the step.
Life is worthless without love. When I was 16 I met a guy, the abuse was stil going on but this boyfriend “saved” me. He didnt know about the abuse so he couldt stop them, he saved me in the way that he held me when I went to sleep. He broke up with me after one year, and for me that ment that the world was going under. I broke down, I shivered, I couldnt breath and my parents couldnt for the world understand why I was so sad. Everyone have had a highschool crush that ended in heartbreak but I acted like life was over. If they had know what was going on with me with the rapes and the assault they would probably understand that when he broke up with me, the only thing that made me get out of bed in the morning disapeared. I there and then decided, even if I didnt know it, that I have to have control because otherwise I wont make it. So that is why, I am so extremly scared of just saying:  “I think I’m really starting to like you” .

I cant tell the boy Im seeing that I am starting to like him and for that I hate you!

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Why didn’t you hold me?

I figured out why it hurts when I breath when I go to bed and why I am scared when the lights and the tv is off. I shiver when I know I have to go to sleep, when I know I can’t put it off anymore because no matter how much I don’t want to sleep I know I can’t be without it. I need sleep and as I turn off the lights it feels like someone puts a mountain on top of my chest. I feel trapped. I don’t want to go to sleep because I don’t want it to be tomorrow. That is how it felt during all those years, I didn’t want tomorrow to come. The “safest” moment of the day was when I was tucked in bed and I knew that right there and right then he couldn’t hurt me but as soon as tomorrow came I was unsafe again. Now that I know why I feel this pain when I go to bed it is ok, it is the pain that the little girl suppressed in order to have the energy to make it through. Feelings have to be expressed before you can let them go, so I think that is why I feel this pain now because I have to feel it in order to let it go.

Life is though. I never expected it not to be and yet it keeps surprising me. I had an amazing weekend with the guy I’m seeing. After he left I sat down realising that I am so scared of starting to like him that I am even thinking of ending it instead of daring to see what happens. The intimacy brings up so many feeling, feeling safe and loved reminds me of how it feels to feel that your not. How it feels to really need it when no one is there to give it. He gave me one of those hugs where you really feel liked and safe and I had to put all my energy in to not crying. It was like a button was pushed and I felt so vulnerable. I realise how little it takes to tear down the wall that I have created between me and my inner feelings. I just wanted to cry in his arms, him telling me that it will be ok. I know that it is not his arms that I really need, or I do today I do but I mean that his arms reminds me of how much I longed for that hug during the years with the sexual assault. When I was lying there in my bed scared of life and not wanting tomorrow to arrive I needed someone to hold me like that. His hug just reminded me of the anger and the pain I feel that no one saw what was happening because if someone would have seen it maybe someone would have hold me. I’m so so scared but I think I really like this guy and I want to see what happens. But who will catch me if I fall? He makes me smile and I think I have not appreciated a thing like that before and now I am realising that that is one of the most
Important things. So please help me if I try to back out and take the easy way out and remind me of that life is not worth anything of you don’t dare to live it. So life, bring it on!

You hurt me so bad that I’m afraid of falling in love and for that I hate you!

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