I’m in my favorite chair, all lights except one is turned off and I play one song loud and on repeat “Takida- You Learn”. I don’t know what the lyric is about but the title, you learn describes my entire life. When I hear the song I think of all the things I have been forced to learn.
“I learned to live with it I learned to get through the day I learned that no matter what I will somehow put one foot in front of the other I learned that I am always on my own I learned that life hurts I learned that pain is a more common feeling than happiness I learned to hide I learned to live with pain I learned to live a lie I learned that life isn’t what I thought it would be I learned that no one can be trusted I learned that I am invisible I learned that no one truly cares I learned that life sucks I learned to smile while crying inside I learned that no matter what I do I will end up on rock bottom I learned that I have nothing to lose I learned that I might as well try because life can’t be any worse than this I learned to lie I learned that childhood is not for everyone I learned things no child should ever know”
I learned life the hard way and it sucks.
It has been a rough couple of weeks where ive felt like ive been kicked while already lying down. My last therapy session was the most painful one so far. I broke down, I cried so I could barely breathe. When I left the session I had decided that I need to tell my parents because I need them when I feel like that. When I struggle to find my will to keep fighting I need them to pick me up and make sure that I will make it this time to. I have fought this battle on my own my entire life and I am not sure that I can keep doing it on my own. I called my parents as soon as I left the session, neither of them picked up the phone and neither of them returned the call until a few days later. When they returned my call I no longer had the courage to tell them. I don’t know how to tell them, I know I want to tell them but I don’t know how to. I know that there is no right moment to do it that there are only bad ones.
I am done with being sad, I don’t want to feel like this anymore and yet I am stuck in it. I know I have to get through it in order to feel better. I can no longer hide from it, try to avoid it or ignore it the only way to feel better is to get through it. I read a quote the other day; “If you are running through hell, keep running”. I believe I am in hell because I have not felt worse than this and I am afraid that if I stop now, I wont make it so I will keep running and keep fighting. The worst part is that I have to get through it alone if I dont find my courage to tell my family.
I dont want to go to bed. I have been up since 4am, 20 hours later I am still up. I am nackered but I dont want to go to bed, I feel so alone and it hurts so much as soon as I turn off all lights and try to go to sleep without no one holding me. Please someone hold me. Please someone find me some courage to tell my family. Please someone help me through this.
You made hell a part of my life and for that I hate you.