Tag Archives: father

Try to discuss your sex life in detail with your uncle

I have not told more than a handful of my closest friends and family about this blog and yet I had about 200 visitors last month. This means that you who have visited the blog has found your way here on your own, I do not know if it’s good or bad. Good because it is important that things like this comes up to the surface so it does not become something to be ashamed of. Bad because some of you may have ended up on my blog because you’ve been through something similar, and I do not mean bad that you ended up here but tragic that it happened to you too. I feel for you. 

I have a wish that one day I can be the public with my blog, I know I write that you should not be ashamed that you the victim of a rapist while I am not ready to stand for it myself. I really do not know why, I do not feel ashamed and I do not want it to be something that must be kept secret. I just want to be strong enough to handle the comments that comes with it, from those who think that rape is something you must blame yourself for. I do not understand how these people think, unfortunately they do exist. Narrow minded idiots. 

At the moment I am at a crossroad, I don’t know which way to go from here. I know I am not done with therapy but at the same time I am not ready for more therapy right here and right now, it have to wait.  When I have had my darkest and toughest moments I wished for someone to know what it was like, I didn’t want to know the person because that would be too much. I can’t really explain it but when it comes to rape it is so shameful and sickening so talking about it is really hard, especially with people you know. Try to talk to your mum, dad, brother or sister about your sex life, as detailed as possible and you can understand what I mean. Maybe helping others can heal me but next problem is I don’t really know how to help others. Any ideas? I want this to end up in something good, I don’t want this to only result in struggle, self-destruction and depression. I know that if I can create something out of this, it will be easier to live with. 

I want a normal sex-life, dont know it that is ever going to happen. That really really sucks. Just had to share it.

 

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I’m broken into a thousand pieces

I’m far from ok. I thought telling my family would make it easier to be not ok because I thought them carrying me when I couldn’t stand on my own would make it easier. It didn’t. It’s harder. Them not knowing meant that I could keep pretending that my story wasn’t a part of my reality. When I couldn’t bare that my history is my story I pretended that it had never happened and since my family didn’t now the truth it made it easier to pretend. I can’t pretend anymore, I can’t escape my history so what to I do now in the moments where I can’t bare my story? I ended up flat back on my kitchen floor earlier this evening, all energy just drained and I fell apart. My story keeps slapping me in my face, I can’t outrun it and there is no where I can go where it isn’t a part of who I am. It’s unbearable.

Tomorrow I am going home, the train leaves in 7 hours, it’s 11 pm now and I know that it will be impossible to get any sleep to night. If I do, nightmares will haunt me. I don’t want to see my parents faces, I don’t think I can bare to see my story in their expressions. The pain my story is causing is enormous. My father cried when he heard it.

I decided that I will report him to the police.

You broke not only me but my entire family and for that I hate you!

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