Tag Archives: crying

Cry my heart out- playlist

These are two songs on my “cry my heart out” playlist. Sometimes I just need to be by myself, close the door, turn up the stereo and just cry my heart out. Crying for all the things I never got to be sad about when they were happening to me. I think during those years I just shut everything out, in order to survive I just didn’t do feelings. I think that was me surviving, me entering survival mode, my only focus was to get through it.

Some days, I can be as happy as it is possible to be and from nowhere this sadness fills every piece of me, it even aches in my bones. I think that it is all those feelings I couldn’t deal with back then, I have accepted that it is ok to feel now and with the life I have today I can handle it and get through it. I think the only way to put it behind me is for me to let it out and tear by tear heal.

Join me in healing, not forgetting but accepting by listening to my songs and send me a thought of strength.

I never had any one to talk when this happened, please feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to. Without others, life is unneccessary hard.

 

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I cant accept that hug right now so you have to force it on me.

Yesterday I took a huge and scaring step, I called the polis station to set up a time for when I will make the official report. Tomorrow at 10 am. I’m scared, confused, broken down, more scared, strong, alone, afraid and more scared. I don’t know where I will go afterwards, where do my life go from here? Will they be able to prosecute him or will word against word not be enough evidence? I stand by my decision, I need to file a report. What he did is not legal and filing a report is a step in my process of accepting that it was not my fault and that it was not ok. But I am so scared. The journey from here will be rough, hard and terrifying because no matter what the outcome of the report is I will be affected by it. Either it will go to court and then I have to testify out loud and in front of him what I have been through and everyone will know. If it wont go to court I will have to deal with the feeling of being unheard and my faith in the justice system will be challenged.

I’m in one way I’m feeling ok but at the same time I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck several times. I don’t really know what to do, I’m afraid that I’ll break down if I open up to much and that I can not cope tomorrow. I’m not trying to shut friends and family out I’m just trying to cope. 22 hours and 37 minutes, Id rather run a marathon without preparing for it than doing this but this is my lot, my life and this is what I have to deal with. There is a quote that helps me in times like these;

"Rock bottom is a good solid ground, and a dead-end street is just a place to turn around"

Maybe I need rock bottom, I need to find a solid ground to build my life on because building it on lies and denial makes it shiver in every little storm. When I woke up yesterday I felt strong, I felt like I owned the world and that I could conquer what ever crossed my path. I took all this strength and dialed the number to the officer I spoke too last time. 3 minutes later when I hung up, all my energy was drained and the feeling of “conquering the world” was long gone. I sat a long time on my kitchen chair, shivering and trying to get it together because as I wrote I’m afraid that if I really let go and feel what I need to feel I wont be at the station tomorrow.

I’m one exam and half a masters thesis from a masters in science. The exam is in a week and the thesis is due at the end of September but for the first time ever I decided that what I feel and how I feel is important and yesterday I felt that I need to file this report no matter what, then that is what I have to do. So if I don’t pass the exam this time, there will be other times. My life is here and now and I’m tired of putting it in front of me instead of living it.

I am definately not ok, Im terrified, Im lost and I dont know how I will react tomorrow or where/what to go/do afterwards but there is a meaning in everything and right now this is what I have to do. I will be ok, eventually.

So dear family and friends, Im not trying to push you away or to shut you out, I just cant ask for you to be around right now, I cant talk about it, I cant feel to much, I dont know how to share it or how to ask for you to know what I need without me telling. I need you, I really really do I just cant show it. Me not answering is not me ignoring you, it is me surviving. Me not asking for you is not me not needing you, it is me needing you so much I cant ask for it. Ive never been here before, I dont know how to or what to do and I dont expect you to either. This is just me trying to cope and to make it, surviving and breathing.

Im gonna go back to bed now, playing way to loud on my stereo and just ignoring the world and Im gonna cry my eyes out.

 

 

 

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I am fucked up.

I feel this extreme loneliness eating me up from inside. I want to run, escape and leave it all behind but I can’t. I can’t outrun myself, this is my life and as hard and unfair it is I have to accept it. I struggle, I don’t always or more accurate almost never show it but I do struggle. Every day, every moment is a fight. Small things in my everyday life turns into huge dilemmas just because having to struggle with this every single day leaves no energy left to live “a normal life”. My emotions are upside down and my feelings are nine out of ten times irrational. I’m tired of not being able to just be “normal”. If someone rejects me I feel an instant ache in my chest, I feel unwanted, alone and forgotten and I drown in thoughts of “what did I say? What did I do? Am I not good enough? Why don’t you like me?“. It doesn’t matter if it a colleague saying their to busy at the moment or if it a date that stops getting in touch, I can’t handle being “not chosen”. I know why, or I think I know why, it’s because all those years I felt so alone, scared and not being able to love myself I depended in others to love me. If they didn’t love me or like me it proved me right. I was worth nothing.

I can be such a bitch sometimes, I know it. I make others unlike me by choice, because if they don’t like me
It proves that there is nothing wrong with me not liking me either.

I know it’s contradicting but nothing in how I feel or how I sometimes act is rational or explainable. I’m real fucked up.

If I had three wishes, I would wish;
that my life had never crossed path with his
actually I think that is my only wish and if I had three wishes I would make the same wish all three times just to make sure it came true.
There are other things I wish was different but some things is just life. People get sick, people don’t last forever and there are rough spots in everyone’s life’s. We all have our struggles. That is why I believe in karma because if I have to have all the other struggles as well; how the hell will I make it?

When life is though, when I’m lying here drowning in the feeling of loneliness with tears rolling down my cheek I keep telling myself that life will come around. I just have to make to most of it meanwhile and one day I will be able to breathe without feeling razor blades.

You fucked me up and for that I hate you

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You locked me in a cage

There is so much I want to tell and so many feelings that I want to describe but it is like climbing up a hillside covered in soap. I keep trying but I just keep slipping back and it takes several tries before I manage to get somewhere. I want to share my story and I need to share it, because after I finish a post I read it out loud to myself and it is like if it is the first time I ever hear it. It is like I can’t process what I’ve been through and accept my feelings before I have put them in words and read them. It is so unreal and I’ve denied it for so many years that I managed to suppress it to the level where I need to hear it before I can believe it. It is like watching a movie and realising that the movie is about yourself. I don’t cry when I write the posts but I cry when I read them, I cry so much that my entire body shivers.

I suppressed what I’ve been through in order to survive, I couldn’t handle it and I couldn’t deal with it. I fled, not physically but mentally by trying to say that I only had myself to blame, it could be worse and that sex doesn’t mean anything. I learned how to live without emotions because as soon as I started to let myself feel my entire chest ached to the level where I could barely breathe. I kept not feeling even after it stopped, I was afraid that if I let go and started to process it I couldn’t bare what was hidden underneath.

It has been 6 years since the last time he sexually assaulted me and still he is the reason it hurts when I breathe, the reason I am terrified to death to fall in love because that means having sex with emotions and that I can’t do, the reason I fled my hometown and are miles away from my loved ones and the reason to so many other things.

He stole my virginity, I was 13 and he was 29. He was obese, bad teeth, poor hygiene and always with a cigarette between his lips. He was manipulative and he held my in an imaginary cage for 7 years. By imaginary cage I mean that he know what he would say to make sure that I wouldn’t tell and that I would keep showing up when he called. My therapist told me that it is still not to late to report him to the police and I realised when she said that, that I am still terrified of him. His words still echoes in my head. I havent seen him for several years and yet I am scared to death of him. Will this feeling of being terrified of him ever go away?

You held me in an imaginary cage and for that I hate you

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On my way to rock bottom

Last night after I posted on the blog I broke down. I had no energy left in me to fight off the memories and I lied on my bed crying. It felt like suppressed memories attacked me so hard I had to fight just to be able to keep breathing. The memories made me sick.

Today has been one of those days where I just have to accept that I am not ok and that it is ok to stay home. Today I grieve over what I have been through, every breath hurts and my entire body is aching but it is ok because I know I have to grieve before I can move on. I have to hit rock bottom because I need to rebuild my entire foundation before I can heal. It is scary and I am terrified. Life hurts.

You broke my foundation and for that I hate you

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