Tag Archives: surviving

Perspective

Perspective. That’s what I got from all of this, perspective on life and all the challenges it brings. Whenever life is tough and tries to knock me down, I remember that as a thirteen year old girl I was strong enough to survive years of mental and sexual abuse. Thinking of the strength I have within me, makes me proud. I know I will survive, whatever life brings me. I know it will be tough, I know that I will be seconds from giving up, I know I will cry, I know it will hurt but I also know that I will survive it. It’s comforting to know that.

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Cry my heart out- playlist

These are two songs on my “cry my heart out” playlist. Sometimes I just need to be by myself, close the door, turn up the stereo and just cry my heart out. Crying for all the things I never got to be sad about when they were happening to me. I think during those years I just shut everything out, in order to survive I just didn’t do feelings. I think that was me surviving, me entering survival mode, my only focus was to get through it.

Some days, I can be as happy as it is possible to be and from nowhere this sadness fills every piece of me, it even aches in my bones. I think that it is all those feelings I couldn’t deal with back then, I have accepted that it is ok to feel now and with the life I have today I can handle it and get through it. I think the only way to put it behind me is for me to let it out and tear by tear heal.

Join me in healing, not forgetting but accepting by listening to my songs and send me a thought of strength.

I never had any one to talk when this happened, please feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to. Without others, life is unneccessary hard.

 

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I wish you were raped

My attorney texted me yesterday telling me all charges against him would be dropped due to lack of evidence. My story was not enough. He had denied. The prosecutor had decided that there was nothing in the case that supported the accusation of sex with a minor. I want to be angry but all I feel is empty, disbelieved and dirty. I feel like there is nothing more to life because what he did to me has fucked my entire life up. I screw up every relation I have, he stole my right to be a kid and a teenager and it effects everything every fucking day!

How will I get my life back?

I keep surfing for motivational quotes, it sais “never never never give up”, “you never know how strong you are until you had to be” and “if the storm doesnt kill you it will make you stronger”. My storm has lasted for more than half of my life, it isnt blowing any less and it definately feels like it is breaking me apart and not building me up.

I know I will never give up, beacuse if I was to give up I would have done it years ago. I am just so fed up with this, when will it end? When will I get my life back? 

I texted my family, best friends and boyfriend the news yesterday. I couldnt talk to them, it would like be that hug that you cant accept when your on the verge of breaking down and it would push me over the edge. I know I would fall and hit ground so hard that all scars holding my wounds together would break.

I dont know where to go from here or what to do. I feel trapped. I feel let down. I feel worse than I have for a very long time. Worst of all I feel ashamed that this is my story and for that I hate him.

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I cant accept that hug right now so you have to force it on me.

Yesterday I took a huge and scaring step, I called the polis station to set up a time for when I will make the official report. Tomorrow at 10 am. I’m scared, confused, broken down, more scared, strong, alone, afraid and more scared. I don’t know where I will go afterwards, where do my life go from here? Will they be able to prosecute him or will word against word not be enough evidence? I stand by my decision, I need to file a report. What he did is not legal and filing a report is a step in my process of accepting that it was not my fault and that it was not ok. But I am so scared. The journey from here will be rough, hard and terrifying because no matter what the outcome of the report is I will be affected by it. Either it will go to court and then I have to testify out loud and in front of him what I have been through and everyone will know. If it wont go to court I will have to deal with the feeling of being unheard and my faith in the justice system will be challenged.

I’m in one way I’m feeling ok but at the same time I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck several times. I don’t really know what to do, I’m afraid that I’ll break down if I open up to much and that I can not cope tomorrow. I’m not trying to shut friends and family out I’m just trying to cope. 22 hours and 37 minutes, Id rather run a marathon without preparing for it than doing this but this is my lot, my life and this is what I have to deal with. There is a quote that helps me in times like these;

"Rock bottom is a good solid ground, and a dead-end street is just a place to turn around"

Maybe I need rock bottom, I need to find a solid ground to build my life on because building it on lies and denial makes it shiver in every little storm. When I woke up yesterday I felt strong, I felt like I owned the world and that I could conquer what ever crossed my path. I took all this strength and dialed the number to the officer I spoke too last time. 3 minutes later when I hung up, all my energy was drained and the feeling of “conquering the world” was long gone. I sat a long time on my kitchen chair, shivering and trying to get it together because as I wrote I’m afraid that if I really let go and feel what I need to feel I wont be at the station tomorrow.

I’m one exam and half a masters thesis from a masters in science. The exam is in a week and the thesis is due at the end of September but for the first time ever I decided that what I feel and how I feel is important and yesterday I felt that I need to file this report no matter what, then that is what I have to do. So if I don’t pass the exam this time, there will be other times. My life is here and now and I’m tired of putting it in front of me instead of living it.

I am definately not ok, Im terrified, Im lost and I dont know how I will react tomorrow or where/what to go/do afterwards but there is a meaning in everything and right now this is what I have to do. I will be ok, eventually.

So dear family and friends, Im not trying to push you away or to shut you out, I just cant ask for you to be around right now, I cant talk about it, I cant feel to much, I dont know how to share it or how to ask for you to know what I need without me telling. I need you, I really really do I just cant show it. Me not answering is not me ignoring you, it is me surviving. Me not asking for you is not me not needing you, it is me needing you so much I cant ask for it. Ive never been here before, I dont know how to or what to do and I dont expect you to either. This is just me trying to cope and to make it, surviving and breathing.

Im gonna go back to bed now, playing way to loud on my stereo and just ignoring the world and Im gonna cry my eyes out.

 

 

 

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My inside died when I was young

I’ve been listening on that song all day, repeatedly. The phrase “ we are not forgotten”  comforts me in a mildly hurting way. It makes me feel like it is ok to be sad, it is ok to be hurt and that I am not forgotten. I have not forgotten myself, I still havent given up and there is hope. I hurt when I listen to that song but I hurt in a good way. It is like I can let go of some pain through that song by not escaping my feelings. I sent it to my closest friends today and asked them to listen to it and to be there for me where ever they are through that song.

When I’m not ok, when life is harder than other days I can not feel too much because it feels like I will break. I am on the verge of breaking down, the mildest attempt of kindness or love breaks downs all my walls and defences. You know when you are so busy with just holding it together so when someone asks you how you are, all you can say is fine but you know if they ask again or show any kind of physical comfort the tears will start to roll down your cheeks and the pain will hit you harder than a car on a freeway. This day has been one of those days. I wrote an email to my mother last night, telling her how I feel and that I am sorry for not being able to be physically close to her right now. She loves me so much that I cannot handle it right now, it is to intense and it will break down all my walls and I am not there yet. I wrote that I love her and that she is the best mother someone could ever wish for and that I know that she is there even when I push away. I feel guilty for pulling away from my family but right now I can’t do anything else. When I woke up today she had sent me a response, I read it and the email was one of those second lines of how are you and that hug that breaks down your walls. I cried, from the heart, from the soul and there was a sadness inside of me aching in every part of my body. It reminded me of the purpose to my fight, I fight for me and that what was she wrote. She told me she knew, my mum always know before I do. She wrote that she loves me no matter what, she loves me through everything I have to go through even if it means pulling away from her sometimes. The pureness and the honesty in her response helped me to feel that it is ok to be not ok. She is honest with what I go through, she sais that it is hell and that it is ok to be hell. I need that. I sometimes forget that. I have not yet accepted that I am not ok, that I have a wound greater than words can describe and that it is infected and hidden in deep scar tissue. When mum sais it is ok to be sad I can let go of my own defence and allow myself to be hurt.

The song playing now is Anna Ternheim, Shoreline. The words are like knives.

I’m not the boy that I used to be
this town has got the youth of me
all the eyes turn hollow
from the work of sorrow “

I know that there is only one thing I can do and that is to not give up. And I wont, I wont ever give up. But days like this one I have to remind myself of why I bother to fight. I fight because a life without going through this is no life at all. It is a life with no emotions, no feelings and no true love. I’m terrified but determined. He has already taken so much I wont give him more. I will heal, I will be ok, I just have to accept that I am not there yet but feeling like this is part of the way of getting there. Feeling at all is a huge progress for me because for so many years I did not feel at all. I was completely numb, I did what I was told and I stayed busy all time. I never gave myself the opportunity to feel. I survived that way but I can’t live that way. Right now it is not surviving everyday anymore, not it is surviving the hard days and learning to live the other ones.

I am responsible for my own actions but I can not control all that happens to me. I have to accept that I did not do this to me. He did. I am not responsible for what I have been through but I am responsible for how I act my way out of it.

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17hours

17 hours. 10am tomorrow I will be at the police station.

I am broken.

No words are strong enough to express how I feel. I feel dead inside yet more alive then ever because I feel every breath I take, it’s like breathing razor blades. All I can do is keep breathing and avoid feeling, I can’t feel because the pain is to great.

My friends called me before to let me know that they don’t care if I need them or not. They will be there every step of the way holding me even if I try to break free. Friends like that makes it worth it, worth every razor blade breath. Tears where rolling down my cheeks when she called because with them I can bare to let some of the pain out. Some of the tears where from pure love because I think that the time the phone call lasted is in the top ten moments in my life where I felt the most love.

Thanks to the ones that brings me home when I try to run.

You took out your pain on me and for that I hate you.

And dear sister, if you are reading this. Knowing you know makes it easier. ❤

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On my way to rock bottom

Last night after I posted on the blog I broke down. I had no energy left in me to fight off the memories and I lied on my bed crying. It felt like suppressed memories attacked me so hard I had to fight just to be able to keep breathing. The memories made me sick.

Today has been one of those days where I just have to accept that I am not ok and that it is ok to stay home. Today I grieve over what I have been through, every breath hurts and my entire body is aching but it is ok because I know I have to grieve before I can move on. I have to hit rock bottom because I need to rebuild my entire foundation before I can heal. It is scary and I am terrified. Life hurts.

You broke my foundation and for that I hate you

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It was not my fault

I get this urge to tell my story to the world sometimes but as soon as I open my mouth I can’t to get a single word out. I get scared. I’m scared that it will make people judge me. I blamed myself for so many years, that scarred me, and I am afraid that when I tell my story people will say that it is partly my fault. Rape victims blame their self sometimes just because they didn’t scream or fight back, they don’t realise that that was their best shot at surviving. I never screamed, I didn’t fight but I did everything just to survive. Every morning I got up, I lived through it even when it was impossible. All my strength went to just surviving, I had no strength left to fight it. I learned to live with it. When I look back I wish that I would have screamed as loud as I could until my lungs bursted. It’s hard to live with the fact that I did not fight back, my therapist says that it is a surviving mechanism to enter auto mode when something like this happens to you. I’m trying to forgive myself for not fighting but it is really hard. I am so hurt and trying to deal with it and taking my life back brings back all memories.

For years I’ve denied and suppressed it, I did everything to try to find other explanations to what I’ve been through. I had sex with people I didn’t want to have it with just to relive the feeling of disgust and angst, because if I felt like that after sex maybe what happened to me wasn’t as bad as I was afraid it was? It didn’t help at all, it made it worse and made me want to crawl out of my skin. He has affected every moment of my life since the day he stole my virginity. First I lived with the sexual abuse, threats and manipulation for 6 years, when it finally came to an end I had to live with what I had been through. I had never said a word and until a year ago I had never said it when being sober. It wasn’t my fault and yet it made me feel ashamed of what I’ve been trough and i just couldn’t tell. It has created a wall between me and my family, they don’t understand why I have reacted and behaved as I have when growing up. I dont blame them even if I wish that they had seen that something was wrong. I think something’s that i did as a teenager was a silent cry for help, a whisper of see me see me save me!. But they didn’t and I did not scream either. I hope that I one day will find the courage to tell, I want them to know and I think I need them to know. I’m terrified that they will blame their self if and when I tell them. But if they don’t know my story they will never really know me and I owe them that because they are great parents. The fact that they were going through a divorce at the time matters, I don’t blame them for not seeing me when they were hurting so much for breaking up our family. It wasn’t their fault they didn’t see me and yet a part of me is so angry with them that I’m shivering.How could they not see me?

You made me blame myself and for that I hate you

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The harsh truth that I have never told before

I’m hurt and I’m hurt really bad. I’m hurt more than I have had the courage to realise. It took me several years before I could even start to realise what I have been through. I said the words out loud for the first time in my life a few weeks ago, the words were so strong they made me sick. I couldn’t stop crying, I was shaking and short of breath but finally I said it:

He raped me

The fact is, he did not just rape me, there are so many things that he did that I just can’t write. Not yet. When the memories pop up in my head, I feel sick and I want to crawl out of my skin. He stole my life, that is what he did. He stole something that no one has the right to steel, there are no explanations good enough to justify that you stole someones life. He stole a piece of my childhood, he stole my ability to love myself and what he did to me changed me for the rest of my life. There is something good in every bad, but in this case I can’t seem to find the good part of it.

Ive decided to fight, fight to get my life back and learn how to live with it. In my life there are bad days, really bad days and ok days and I will fight because I want to be able to have great days and amazing days as well. It is almost a year ago since I for the first time told my story to someone, I’ve mentioned it before in the fogs of alcohol but when they asked the next day ive denied it. After telling her, one of my dearest friends in the whole world, my journey started and there was no way back. During the past year I’ve cried more tears than an entire ocean can hold, ive screamed more than my lungs can take and ive expressed anger in all the wrong ways. I’ve travelled the world twice and yet this is the hardest journey I’ve ever been on. I’m terrified, I’m tired but I will not give up even when it hurts so bad I can barely breathe.

I cry when I write my posts in this blog because I write straight from my heart. I do not censor anything. There are no lies only the truth that I’ve hidden from everyone including myself. I will not write who I am because Im not there yet, maybe one day I can be brave enough to tell the world what I have been through but not now. My journey has begun, one step at a time, one breath at a time and one moment a time and I will be ok.

you raped me and for that I hate you

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