Tag Archives: friends

Having a few drinks

I’m having a Friday night with one of my best, dinner and a few drinks. Nothing special just enjoying the company of a close friend. My problem is that always when I drink I am afraid that my demons will “attack” me. That all my suppressed feelings will hit me like a tsunami and that the night will end in puking in a panic attack. Any way, I’m learning to drink in moderation and yet be able to have a few drinks with my friends. I don’t want all or nothing, I want normal.

Please give me a chance to live a “normal” life sometimes.

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Try to discuss your sex life in detail with your uncle

I have not told more than a handful of my closest friends and family about this blog and yet I had about 200 visitors last month. This means that you who have visited the blog has found your way here on your own, I do not know if it’s good or bad. Good because it is important that things like this comes up to the surface so it does not become something to be ashamed of. Bad because some of you may have ended up on my blog because you’ve been through something similar, and I do not mean bad that you ended up here but tragic that it happened to you too. I feel for you. 

I have a wish that one day I can be the public with my blog, I know I write that you should not be ashamed that you the victim of a rapist while I am not ready to stand for it myself. I really do not know why, I do not feel ashamed and I do not want it to be something that must be kept secret. I just want to be strong enough to handle the comments that comes with it, from those who think that rape is something you must blame yourself for. I do not understand how these people think, unfortunately they do exist. Narrow minded idiots. 

At the moment I am at a crossroad, I don’t know which way to go from here. I know I am not done with therapy but at the same time I am not ready for more therapy right here and right now, it have to wait.  When I have had my darkest and toughest moments I wished for someone to know what it was like, I didn’t want to know the person because that would be too much. I can’t really explain it but when it comes to rape it is so shameful and sickening so talking about it is really hard, especially with people you know. Try to talk to your mum, dad, brother or sister about your sex life, as detailed as possible and you can understand what I mean. Maybe helping others can heal me but next problem is I don’t really know how to help others. Any ideas? I want this to end up in something good, I don’t want this to only result in struggle, self-destruction and depression. I know that if I can create something out of this, it will be easier to live with. 

I want a normal sex-life, dont know it that is ever going to happen. That really really sucks. Just had to share it.

 

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I cant accept that hug right now so you have to force it on me.

Yesterday I took a huge and scaring step, I called the polis station to set up a time for when I will make the official report. Tomorrow at 10 am. I’m scared, confused, broken down, more scared, strong, alone, afraid and more scared. I don’t know where I will go afterwards, where do my life go from here? Will they be able to prosecute him or will word against word not be enough evidence? I stand by my decision, I need to file a report. What he did is not legal and filing a report is a step in my process of accepting that it was not my fault and that it was not ok. But I am so scared. The journey from here will be rough, hard and terrifying because no matter what the outcome of the report is I will be affected by it. Either it will go to court and then I have to testify out loud and in front of him what I have been through and everyone will know. If it wont go to court I will have to deal with the feeling of being unheard and my faith in the justice system will be challenged.

I’m in one way I’m feeling ok but at the same time I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck several times. I don’t really know what to do, I’m afraid that I’ll break down if I open up to much and that I can not cope tomorrow. I’m not trying to shut friends and family out I’m just trying to cope. 22 hours and 37 minutes, Id rather run a marathon without preparing for it than doing this but this is my lot, my life and this is what I have to deal with. There is a quote that helps me in times like these;

"Rock bottom is a good solid ground, and a dead-end street is just a place to turn around"

Maybe I need rock bottom, I need to find a solid ground to build my life on because building it on lies and denial makes it shiver in every little storm. When I woke up yesterday I felt strong, I felt like I owned the world and that I could conquer what ever crossed my path. I took all this strength and dialed the number to the officer I spoke too last time. 3 minutes later when I hung up, all my energy was drained and the feeling of “conquering the world” was long gone. I sat a long time on my kitchen chair, shivering and trying to get it together because as I wrote I’m afraid that if I really let go and feel what I need to feel I wont be at the station tomorrow.

I’m one exam and half a masters thesis from a masters in science. The exam is in a week and the thesis is due at the end of September but for the first time ever I decided that what I feel and how I feel is important and yesterday I felt that I need to file this report no matter what, then that is what I have to do. So if I don’t pass the exam this time, there will be other times. My life is here and now and I’m tired of putting it in front of me instead of living it.

I am definately not ok, Im terrified, Im lost and I dont know how I will react tomorrow or where/what to go/do afterwards but there is a meaning in everything and right now this is what I have to do. I will be ok, eventually.

So dear family and friends, Im not trying to push you away or to shut you out, I just cant ask for you to be around right now, I cant talk about it, I cant feel to much, I dont know how to share it or how to ask for you to know what I need without me telling. I need you, I really really do I just cant show it. Me not answering is not me ignoring you, it is me surviving. Me not asking for you is not me not needing you, it is me needing you so much I cant ask for it. Ive never been here before, I dont know how to or what to do and I dont expect you to either. This is just me trying to cope and to make it, surviving and breathing.

Im gonna go back to bed now, playing way to loud on my stereo and just ignoring the world and Im gonna cry my eyes out.

 

 

 

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Uncensored story from hell

Even though I slept more than 10 hours last night I am exhausted. I have had several cups of coffee and yet I am exhausted. Not even the shining sun gives enough energy for me to not be exhausted.

My friends met me at the train station yesterday, the walked me to the police office, they waited outside to help me to keep breathing afterwards, they stayed with me the entire day, night and are still here. That’s real friends, they don’t care if you have enough energy to admit that you need them, they know that you need them and with no questions asked, they are there.

The meeting lasted for an hour but it felt like forever. I didn’t make the official police report but I asked all the questions I need to have answer to in order to do it. The next step is to try to write down everything I remember and try to sort the memories according to when they occurred. That will be ,by far, the hardest thing I have done, having to remember everything that I for so many years done everything in my power to forget. There are reasons why I have suppressed them. Until now I have only told the “surronding” story, I havent dealt with any of the actual “abuse and rape” memories. I don’t even know how to deal with them, thinking of them makes me sick. Writing them in words, where will I find the strength to do that? The smells, the feelings, the environment everything that happened, in actual life and in my head. Everything is of importance, I need to tell the story the best as I can because the more I am able to remember and describe, the greater is the chance that he will be convicted for it. Tomorrow I will buy a notebook, I plan to carry it everywhere so when a memory pops up I will catch it and write it down. Part of hell starts now but I think I have to run through hell in order to get out if it. This wont be easy, it wont feel better but I know that in the end far from here it is a necessary step to take in order to reach the end.

Knowing what comes next, telling the real uncensored story, that is what makes me exhausted. Coffee, sleep and sun wont help, just breathing and keep going no matter what will lead me through it, and my friends and family. Hell is exhausting.

 

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17hours

17 hours. 10am tomorrow I will be at the police station.

I am broken.

No words are strong enough to express how I feel. I feel dead inside yet more alive then ever because I feel every breath I take, it’s like breathing razor blades. All I can do is keep breathing and avoid feeling, I can’t feel because the pain is to great.

My friends called me before to let me know that they don’t care if I need them or not. They will be there every step of the way holding me even if I try to break free. Friends like that makes it worth it, worth every razor blade breath. Tears where rolling down my cheeks when she called because with them I can bare to let some of the pain out. Some of the tears where from pure love because I think that the time the phone call lasted is in the top ten moments in my life where I felt the most love.

Thanks to the ones that brings me home when I try to run.

You took out your pain on me and for that I hate you.

And dear sister, if you are reading this. Knowing you know makes it easier. ❤

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No more strength

When there is no strength left to get through the day, how do you push trough? I don’t know how to bare the pain I feel in every inch of my body. The only good part of the day is when I drink my morning coffee and watch the news because there and then I have enough energy to feel the joy of being alive. That is before 6 am and after that I enter robot mode in order to make it though the day.

I feel so alone. I have the best of the best friends and yet I feel like I’m the only person walking this planet.

My family is unaware of my story, to them I am this girl with to much skin on her nose but who they are damn proud of because what ever she takes on she will get it done. That is me. I know they think I am selfish, have an attitude and are self centred. They don’t know that the reason is because I had to be like that in order to survive and I have completed every challenge I have ever taken on because when I focus on something with all my energy I can, and only then, I can forget everything else. That is why I have a masters degree in science, not because I’m smart but because it saved me. Spending almost all hours of the day in school made it possible to escape my thoughts.

I have realised that i feel so alone because I haven’t shared my story with the ones who are supposed to love me no matter what. I haven’t given them chance to proven them selves. I have to tell my family. If I can’t call them when I am struggling with my will to live what’s the point of having a family? I am so scared. I am scared of what they will say and how they will react. I don’t know how to say it but I know I have to say it. There is no going back after telling them, I can never untell and it will change everything. But I have to tell. Because I need them and I need them bad.

I’m 26 and I have never felt a stronger urge to be held, I need my family to carry me because right now I have no strength to walk. I am hitting rock bottom in high speed.

You did something unforgivable and for that I hate you more than words can express.

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You don’t define me

He stole so much from me. I don’t think he could ever imagine how much what he did has affected me. It affects me every day. What happens in your life and the choices you make defines who you are. I didn’t chose it but yet it is a part of me. I have to accept that it has been a part of my life and it is responsible for how I act and do sometimes. Even if I don’t want it or like it, it has been one of the components that made me who I am today. I know all the bad things it brought, that I’m scared of trusting people, I rather hurt then risk to get hurt, I often step on other people in order to avoid to get stepped on. I do all this because it “protects” me, at least I thought it did. I realise that I’ve hurt people when I’ve been so focused on not getting hurt. People say that I can be mean, rude, don’t care and never keep my mouth shut. I never meant to be mean, I don’t mean to be rude and those who truly knows me knows that I care more than most people do. I realise that I’ve had the strategy to speak first in order not to risk ending up in a situation where I don’t have control and sometimes to protect myself I have been not my best self. Connecting to what I said, what you do and the choices you make defines who you are. I have decided that I am ready to risk getting hurt and to show the real me, the one who absolutely isn’t mean and who do cares. What he did to me defines him and it has affected what I do to others long enough so enough is enough. I refuse to get defined by his actions!

In order to survive I created a shell, it protected me but on the cost of others sometimes. You hurt me, that made me hurt others and for that I hate you!

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Descending with tears

I do really hate this part of the day, when I have to go to sleep. Most of the times it takes forever before I can turn of the TV, I can’t bare when it’s quite so after the TV is shut of I have to listen to music. My playlist is called “heartbroken“, it puts me to sleep every night. Lately I’ve cried myself to sleep exhausted from fighting of memories I can’t bare to think off.

You know the feeling you get in your chest when you have to do something you really don’t want to do? That’s how I feel when I have to go to sleep. It started after my first night with the boy I’ve met, I think the comfort I felt sleeping in someone’s arms made me realise how scared I am when I am on my own. The night is the darkest hours of the day in many aspects.

I’ve been texting with the guy all evening and I can really tell when my fear of going to bed kicks in because it is when I start to read everything the text doesn’t say. What I am trying to say is that earlier in the evening when I do feel ok I can be glad for the simple reason that he just sent me a text. I just received a text saying “good night, sweet dreams. Kisses! and I react by thinking “why didn’t he write sweetie? Oh no he is not into me. Look I know I’m crazy, you don’t have to tell me that. But I also know that I react like that because I hate to say good night since for me going to sleep is the worst part of the day. I think I try to feel hurt by him so that the pain in my chest will be identifiable. Then after reasoning with myself I know that I really appreciate his good night text and that I just have to realise that the pain in my chest is from what I still partly ignore, the rapes and the abuse.

Life is scary but for the first time in my life I am ready to take it on. I decided that I rather get hurt for real than keep living this fake emotional life I’ve created. I have some of the worlds greatest friends that truly carries me when I don’t have the energy to walk. I’ve had the courage to tell my story to some of them and for the rest I am still trying to get enough courage to do it. I am so scared and yet my fighting spirit is stronger than ever.

I am still descending, but in a controlled way. I’m moving towards rock bottom because I need to get down there, face all that I’ve been true and build myself a new foundation to stand on. It’s a long way, the longest one I’ve ever walked. Feeling like I do now and knowing that the worst is yet to come is terrifying and yet worth it. I know, for the first time, in my heart that I will someday be ok and in order to get there I can’t skip any steps. This time I’m in it for real, and by it I mean my life. I’m taking it back no matter what the costs are. I’ve tried living like this and I promise you that it’s no longer worth it unless it becomes real and real means feeling. So I am feeling and here I am in my bed crying my heart out.

You played with my life and for that I hate you.

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