Tag Archives: anger

im fucking pissed off!

Mornings like today I can tell that I have all this anger inside of me that needs to come out. I wake up and from the moment I leave my bed everything annoys me and I want to cry and scream. I try to make myself ready for work but when im putting on makeup I want to break the mirror because all I see is ugliness, when I try to decide outfit I feel obese and the trousers that fitted just fine yesterday won’t go above my knees. I know it is all in my head but it doesn’t help. The anger inside builds up and the angrier I get over nothing the more starts to go wrong. Breathing and trying to just be ok with how I feel is all I can do but it sucks. It is hard to explain but you know those mornings when you spill your coffee, drop your mascara on your white new t-shirt, cant find the keys etc? If you are in a good place it is ok, you get annoyed but you dont bother that much. I go bananas! I scream at the mirror, throw the pants, kick the wardrobe and that is not normal behaviour. The difference now compared to a few years ago is that I know why I feel so much anger but I still havent found a way to deal with it. Good thing is that people around me have much more patience with me ans understanding since I told them, before they would just think I am a complete idiot and tell me to get it together. I need to find a way to bit by bit let my anger out.

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FUCK YOU!

I’m not feeling ok, there is too much going on and I feel like I am slowly breaking down. I’m trying to fight it, trying to keep it up but it’s like my shell cracks. This morning I woke up feeling so angry! I hated everything! I wanted to smash something and nothing went as it should and that just kept building up the anger inside me!

I’m about to finish my master’s thesis, start my new job first of october, having a long distance relationship, moving out of my apartment in less than two weeks and the police is dealing with my report. It feels like I can’t breathe and the worst part is that the slightest unexpected happening puts me over the edge. A thin thread keeps me together and as long as I can control everything that happens I’ll make the day but when something that I havent planned for happens, I lose it. Yesterday my boyfriend told me over Skype that he wont make it this weekend due to work and normally that would be fine by me because I know that he is new at work and wants to start his career, I support him and I’m proud of him. The problem is that it was something that I didn’t control and I didn’t have the energy to fight my disappointment so it felt like someone kicked me to the curb. I tried to tell him that I’m proud of him and that I am happy for him but I realized that he didn’t buy that at all, who can? When im saying I’m happy for you while crying my eyes out.

Today was a catastrophe from the moment the alarm went off. I still felt bad for letting my emotions affect my relationship, I’m tired of this thing affecting absolutely everything. That makes me angry, angry that life isn’t fair and angry that someone elses acts ruins my life, over and over and over again. Then the day begun, I dropped stuff, out of toothpaste, couldn’t find my keys, headache and so on. Finally I made it to Uni and found some sort of peace in the library. They day seemed to sort itself out until I notice that both mum and dad had called several times. The police had asked them  both to come to the station and give their side of the story and yet again my world got turned upside down. I make it home, boyfriend calls on Skype and it is going ok until he gets all mopish. I ask him what it is and he wont tell. I feel it in my stomach, this is no good. He sais it is nothing, I don’t like when people say it is nothing because that usually means there is something greater. I chose to trust him, that it is nothing and we decide to hang up and to say good night later.

And that is where I am at right now, I’m in bed feeling in my stomach that something is up. I want to cry but I can’t. I don’t know how. I was eating my dinner when I was on Skype, I couldn’t finish after “it’s nothing” because I felt nauseous. I think I love someone for real for the first time ever and the thought of losing him is not bearable at the moment. So in order to make it, I don’t chose to trust and I have no other choise but to trust that “ it is nothing, just a bad day.

I’m so angry. I’m am so fucking angry! I deserve to be ok, I deserve to function so that I can have a relationship. I deserve to let someone love me. I, thanks to the rapist, make it almost impossible to love me. I scare people away and if I somehow don’t scare them off it usually ends with me pushing them away.

Right now, fuck absolutely everything. Screw life. Screw you who by raping me fucked up my entire life. Can you feel my anger?

FUCK

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Sing me soft kitty I need my sleep

When I finally went to bed last night I decided that no alarm clock should be set, I treated myself with the luxury of sleep. The past week I’ve barely slept at all, about five hours a night. When I’m in a “fight to breath” period I avoid going to bed because the worst part of the day is laying there and trying to fall a sleep. Everything feels ten times worse right before going to sleep so I don’t go to bed unless I’m so tired I’m about to fall asleep standing up.

I woke up 11.20 am after 9 hours of anxious sleep but still 9 hours of sleep. Today has been a far better day then yesterday, I know I have all this anger and energy inside me so before it took control over me I went for a run. I decided to control it instead of it controlling me. I’m fighting!

In bed, alarm sets off in 6 hours. Back to reality.

You almost made me give up on life several times and for that I hate you

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Uncensored story from hell

Even though I slept more than 10 hours last night I am exhausted. I have had several cups of coffee and yet I am exhausted. Not even the shining sun gives enough energy for me to not be exhausted.

My friends met me at the train station yesterday, the walked me to the police office, they waited outside to help me to keep breathing afterwards, they stayed with me the entire day, night and are still here. That’s real friends, they don’t care if you have enough energy to admit that you need them, they know that you need them and with no questions asked, they are there.

The meeting lasted for an hour but it felt like forever. I didn’t make the official police report but I asked all the questions I need to have answer to in order to do it. The next step is to try to write down everything I remember and try to sort the memories according to when they occurred. That will be ,by far, the hardest thing I have done, having to remember everything that I for so many years done everything in my power to forget. There are reasons why I have suppressed them. Until now I have only told the “surronding” story, I havent dealt with any of the actual “abuse and rape” memories. I don’t even know how to deal with them, thinking of them makes me sick. Writing them in words, where will I find the strength to do that? The smells, the feelings, the environment everything that happened, in actual life and in my head. Everything is of importance, I need to tell the story the best as I can because the more I am able to remember and describe, the greater is the chance that he will be convicted for it. Tomorrow I will buy a notebook, I plan to carry it everywhere so when a memory pops up I will catch it and write it down. Part of hell starts now but I think I have to run through hell in order to get out if it. This wont be easy, it wont feel better but I know that in the end far from here it is a necessary step to take in order to reach the end.

Knowing what comes next, telling the real uncensored story, that is what makes me exhausted. Coffee, sleep and sun wont help, just breathing and keep going no matter what will lead me through it, and my friends and family. Hell is exhausting.

 

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Please help me out of hell

I’m in my favorite chair, all lights except one is turned off and I play one song loud and on repeat  “Takida- You Learn”. I don’t know what the lyric is about but the title, you learn describes my entire life. When I hear the song I think of all the things I have been forced to learn.

I learned to live with it I learned to get through the day I learned that no matter what I will somehow put one foot in front of the other I learned that I am always on my own I learned that life hurts I learned that pain is a more common feeling than happiness I learned to hide I learned to live with pain I learned to live a lie I learned that life isn’t what I thought it would be I learned that no one can be trusted I learned that I am invisible I learned that no one truly cares I learned that life sucks I learned to smile while crying inside I learned that no matter what I do I will end up on rock bottom I learned that I have nothing to lose I learned that I might as well try because life can’t be any worse than this I learned to lie I learned that childhood is not for everyone I learned things no child should ever know”

 

I learned life the hard way and it sucks.

 

It has been a rough couple of weeks where ive felt like ive been kicked while already lying down. My last therapy session was the most painful one so far. I broke down, I cried so I could barely breathe. When I left the session I had decided that I need to tell my parents because I need them when I feel like that. When I struggle to find my will to keep fighting I need them to pick me up and make sure that I will make it this time to. I have fought this battle on my own my entire life and I am not sure that I can keep doing it on my own. I called my parents as soon as I left the session, neither of them picked up the phone and neither of them returned the call until a few days later. When they returned my call I no longer had the courage to tell them. I don’t know how to tell them, I know I want to tell them but I don’t know how to. I know that there is no right moment to do it that there are only bad ones.

I am done with being sad, I don’t want to feel like this anymore and yet I am stuck in it. I know I have to get through it in order to feel better. I can no longer hide from it, try to avoid it or ignore it the only way to feel better is to get through it. I read a quote the other day; “If you are running through hell, keep running”. I believe I am in hell because I have not felt worse than this and I am afraid that if I stop now, I wont make it so I will keep running and keep fighting. The worst part is that I have to get through it alone if I dont find my courage to tell my family.

I dont want to go to bed. I have been up since 4am, 20 hours later I am still up. I am nackered but I dont want to go to bed, I feel so alone and it hurts so much as soon as I turn off all lights and try to go to sleep without no one holding me. Please someone hold me. Please someone find me some courage to tell my family. Please someone help me through this.

You made hell a part of my life and for that I hate you.

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Always lived my life alone

I’ve always been surrounded by people, I have a great family and the best friends and yet I feel alone. It’s like the loneliness can’t be cured, it doesn’t matter what I try to fill it with it is still there. The more love I get the more alone I feel. It makes no sense but it is the harsh truth. So why bother with love at all? I struggle with that everyday because I want love to be a part of my life. It sucks to be me right now. I just want to walk away from everything, just buy a one way ticket and start a new life somewhere else and when there is to much love there I move and do it all over again. I’m used to be on my own, not sharing, not opening up and the deep loneliness has been a part of my life for so long that I don’t even notice it anymore. Until there is love. Love reminds me of how life should be, it fills me with so much anger and pain because I hate hate hate hate that the assault made me distance myself from everything that mattered. I can’t stand that I missed out on so much, it’s like thinking of death, there is nothing you can do about it and yet you can be so angry with it. I feel like that and love triggers it, it triggers the feeling that I only live once and someone has stolen a few of my priceless years. Love reminds me, and I am angry that something that is beautiful and worth living for feels me with anger and pain. I could run a thousand miles and the pain would still be there. Fuck it! I just want to scream from the top of my lungs, hit something, cry and yet here I am appearing to be all ok if you would happen to walk by me.

You stole my ability to love and for that I sincerely hate you.

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You locked me in a cage

There is so much I want to tell and so many feelings that I want to describe but it is like climbing up a hillside covered in soap. I keep trying but I just keep slipping back and it takes several tries before I manage to get somewhere. I want to share my story and I need to share it, because after I finish a post I read it out loud to myself and it is like if it is the first time I ever hear it. It is like I can’t process what I’ve been through and accept my feelings before I have put them in words and read them. It is so unreal and I’ve denied it for so many years that I managed to suppress it to the level where I need to hear it before I can believe it. It is like watching a movie and realising that the movie is about yourself. I don’t cry when I write the posts but I cry when I read them, I cry so much that my entire body shivers.

I suppressed what I’ve been through in order to survive, I couldn’t handle it and I couldn’t deal with it. I fled, not physically but mentally by trying to say that I only had myself to blame, it could be worse and that sex doesn’t mean anything. I learned how to live without emotions because as soon as I started to let myself feel my entire chest ached to the level where I could barely breathe. I kept not feeling even after it stopped, I was afraid that if I let go and started to process it I couldn’t bare what was hidden underneath.

It has been 6 years since the last time he sexually assaulted me and still he is the reason it hurts when I breathe, the reason I am terrified to death to fall in love because that means having sex with emotions and that I can’t do, the reason I fled my hometown and are miles away from my loved ones and the reason to so many other things.

He stole my virginity, I was 13 and he was 29. He was obese, bad teeth, poor hygiene and always with a cigarette between his lips. He was manipulative and he held my in an imaginary cage for 7 years. By imaginary cage I mean that he know what he would say to make sure that I wouldn’t tell and that I would keep showing up when he called. My therapist told me that it is still not to late to report him to the police and I realised when she said that, that I am still terrified of him. His words still echoes in my head. I havent seen him for several years and yet I am scared to death of him. Will this feeling of being terrified of him ever go away?

You held me in an imaginary cage and for that I hate you

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It was not my fault

I get this urge to tell my story to the world sometimes but as soon as I open my mouth I can’t to get a single word out. I get scared. I’m scared that it will make people judge me. I blamed myself for so many years, that scarred me, and I am afraid that when I tell my story people will say that it is partly my fault. Rape victims blame their self sometimes just because they didn’t scream or fight back, they don’t realise that that was their best shot at surviving. I never screamed, I didn’t fight but I did everything just to survive. Every morning I got up, I lived through it even when it was impossible. All my strength went to just surviving, I had no strength left to fight it. I learned to live with it. When I look back I wish that I would have screamed as loud as I could until my lungs bursted. It’s hard to live with the fact that I did not fight back, my therapist says that it is a surviving mechanism to enter auto mode when something like this happens to you. I’m trying to forgive myself for not fighting but it is really hard. I am so hurt and trying to deal with it and taking my life back brings back all memories.

For years I’ve denied and suppressed it, I did everything to try to find other explanations to what I’ve been through. I had sex with people I didn’t want to have it with just to relive the feeling of disgust and angst, because if I felt like that after sex maybe what happened to me wasn’t as bad as I was afraid it was? It didn’t help at all, it made it worse and made me want to crawl out of my skin. He has affected every moment of my life since the day he stole my virginity. First I lived with the sexual abuse, threats and manipulation for 6 years, when it finally came to an end I had to live with what I had been through. I had never said a word and until a year ago I had never said it when being sober. It wasn’t my fault and yet it made me feel ashamed of what I’ve been trough and i just couldn’t tell. It has created a wall between me and my family, they don’t understand why I have reacted and behaved as I have when growing up. I dont blame them even if I wish that they had seen that something was wrong. I think something’s that i did as a teenager was a silent cry for help, a whisper of see me see me save me!. But they didn’t and I did not scream either. I hope that I one day will find the courage to tell, I want them to know and I think I need them to know. I’m terrified that they will blame their self if and when I tell them. But if they don’t know my story they will never really know me and I owe them that because they are great parents. The fact that they were going through a divorce at the time matters, I don’t blame them for not seeing me when they were hurting so much for breaking up our family. It wasn’t their fault they didn’t see me and yet a part of me is so angry with them that I’m shivering.How could they not see me?

You made me blame myself and for that I hate you

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