It’s time to open up again. After my therapy session I had no energy left to deal with my feelings so this weekend I have suppressed it and enjoyed living in the moment instead. Unfortunately that usually means that I a few days later feel so much worse than if I had not shut off my feelings. But sometimes I have no choice, I don’t have the energy to not be ok so sometimes even just even for a weekend I need to pretend that I am ok.
I notice a difference in how I feel now compared to six months ago. It’s like I have a different depth in my feelings and more levels in how I can feel. Since I have turned off my emotions for so many years, I’ve somehow got me a relatively one-dimensional emotional scale. Now that I have started working with myself , my emotional scale has expanded and it’s scary when feelings I have never experienced before comes forward. I wish it was easier to put feelings into words, how do you describe a feeling never before experienced? It’s like describing a color you’ve never seen, a smell you never smelled or a taste you never tasted. It is somewhat how I feel, I feel in a way I never felt so it’s next to impossible to describe.
I have all my life since the abuse began, lived in the role. It’s hard to explain but I’ve lived a bit like a robot. My survival strategy was to always make sure to focus on something that takes up all my energy so that there is no energy left over for scary thoughts or feel how I really feel. I’ve always been told;
“I do not understand how you have the energy,”
“I do not understand how you can do it all!”
“You’re the strongest person I know.”
The truth behind that is that I have not had any choice. I have focused so much on things and engaged myself in a lot only to not have time for myself. I have created myself an identity as being the good one. By creating an identity, I did not show the real me, and by performing at most things, I was never questioned. There are not many who question the one who delivers great results, as does what is expected and who outwardly acts normal.
Today I am looking for the courage to be just me. I can not wake up every morning and go into a role. I do not want to live my life like a robot. I want to have feelings and all that it entails, both the positive and negative. It’s all new to me to be with other people when I’m just me. I fear what they’ll think about the real me. The reason I lived my life in a role is to protect myself. It has acted as a protective barrier around me. I built a wall between me and the world in terms of the role I have taken. When someone has not liked me, I could blame it on the role and then not have to deal with the fact that they do not like me. I think I’ve protected myself because I have been so damaged and hurt inside that my only salvation was that I have excluded the possibility of more pain.
I met a guy. I actually think I might begin to like him. I have realized that he is actually the first guy who can get to know the real me. It makes me scared, because if he does not like me, I can not blame it on something other than that he does not like me for who I am. I want to dare to give this a try. I’m angry that what I have been exposed to still hunts me. I will dare. I’m terrified. I will defeat my fear. I will dare to see where it goes regardless of the outcome. I do not want to live my life without daring to feel real. I’m ready to take the risk of being hurt. Life is no bed of roses, and just because I have been exposed to something no one should have to live through, I will not give up. Shit, it’s time for me to begin dare to live for real!
You made me into a robot and for that I hate you