Tag Archives: Romance

AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Fuck being fucked up!

It’s been ages since my last post, so much have happened and I have tried to make this part of my life as non-existing as possible. Every now and then I try to forget, try to convince myself that this is all history and that I am ok.  Then like a nuclear-bomb it all hits me again, breaking me down inside and out. I have come so far but I still have a long way to go.

I think of him every day, not a day without him in my mind. The taste of disgust in my mouth and the sickness in my stomach each time his face shows up. It is like I am haunted by the memories, like he still owns me and control my feelings and mind. During those years I lived in constant fear, a feeling that still does not let go of me. I am incapable to trust anyone who says they love me. I always believe that those closest to me will leave me and as soon as I get the feeling that someone is about to leave me behind I do everything in order to make it impossible to love me. Just so that I can say; ” I told you, you don’t love me!”. I keep proving to myself that I am unlovable instead of trying to just see what happens if I give in, if I let people love me. Maybe if I let people in, If I let go of the control people might just stay around and actually love me for who I am.

It is extremely difficult to let go of control. If I can’t control what happens, I am extremely vulnerable. If I can decide in advance what people will think of me, it’s easier, even if it results in me being difficult to like at least I know what people think of me.

It means I do not have to worry so much about what others think of me because I’ve already made sure that they don’t like me. If I’m not in control of what others think of me, chances are that they may not like me for who I really am. Then they are not liking the true me and that’s the scariest thing in the world. While those who like me, like me for who I really am then love me for my true self. I have to start facing life, trying to be my honest me every day because otherwise I will miss out on those who actually would have liked me if I had let them do it.

I will have to start letting go of control because otherwise I will miss out on life. 

 

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I feel better now, with every post that I write I feel that a tiny piece of my past is lifted of my shoulders. Bye bye anger, disappointment, fear, pain and disgust!

 

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Im falling in love

This blog is about me telling my story and me living through it. So far it has been about all the rough spots, the hard times, the “I can’t breathe” moments. My writing is a surviving and putting it behind me strategy, I write whatever that comes to mind, I write whatever my fingers put together on the keyboard. The posts write them self most of the times, I don’t plan what I want to write, I write exactly how I feel in that exact moment. That is how I make the moments bearable and a tiny bit easier to live through.

Today I want to capture, for me a rather rare moment, a moment of feeling good about myself and a day of smiles without reasons. Yesterday I heard myself saying, “I deserve to be loved for who I am and I deserve to live my life without pretending to be who I am not just in order to hide what I am scared of showing. I deserve to be loved even though my history differs from most people’s”. I think that this is the first sign of me falling in love. Falling in love with myself. I am worth loving and if I can’t love me, no others can either. So I welcome the feeling of love, maybe I can for the first time in my life experience how life is when I love and appreciate who I am?

I texted my friend on my way to work this morning. I wrote;

My hair is dirty, I am wearing a dress and a pink dress jacket to work and I look like shit but still feeling fabulous. What is wrong with me?”

She replayed:

I think you are what normal people would call happy!”

So there it was, I could even though I didnt have the best hairday feel absolutely amazing. I guess that is how you feel when you know you got it even when you look like shit. Looks is just looks, the inside thats the shit!

 

 

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