Tag Archives: recovering

Shame on you!

This blog is my naked story, I don’t hide anything and it is my words describing exactly how I am feeling. I try to write about absolutely everything, because rape isn’t just affecting you when it happens it affects your everyday life, everyday for the rest of your life. This is my diary, I have decided to write in a public media so others can read it because I know how important it is to not keep a story like this to your self. The shame that comes with it makes it harder to share and we need to make this an ok thing to talk about. We need to get rid of the shame in telling the world you have been raped. You would tell the world if you wore robbed, beaten or cheated on but not that you were raped. This is wrong, this is the shame talking and the rapist winning.

Sometimes I need a break from the blog, because what I write is so loaded with shame and anxiety that I am almost disgusted by my own words. My own worlds are to strong for me to handle.  Sometimes I read the post loud to myself, it is amongst the most painful experiences but it helps me. It helps me to listen to my own story and to accept that it is ok to be hurt. Reading it out loud is like the final statement that this has actually happened to me.

Even those days where I feel absolutely great, where everything just feels so right this hangs over me like a dark cloud. I can cuddle in bed with my man and from nowhere my rapists face is stuck on my cornea, I feel sick and I have to put all my energy and focus on not throwing up. This instead of being able of enjoying life and love. I need to write this, I need to put this in words so that I can remind myself that it is ok. I can’t control life but I can make the most out of it, I can either be stuck in my past or I can take control of it.  It took me years before I could tell my closest my story, It was the hardest thing I have ever done but It has also given me the greatest rewards. I now have the support that I need, If I don’t tell, I let the rapist win. The shame is his, not mine. I am giving it back.

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im fucking pissed off!

Mornings like today I can tell that I have all this anger inside of me that needs to come out. I wake up and from the moment I leave my bed everything annoys me and I want to cry and scream. I try to make myself ready for work but when im putting on makeup I want to break the mirror because all I see is ugliness, when I try to decide outfit I feel obese and the trousers that fitted just fine yesterday won’t go above my knees. I know it is all in my head but it doesn’t help. The anger inside builds up and the angrier I get over nothing the more starts to go wrong. Breathing and trying to just be ok with how I feel is all I can do but it sucks. It is hard to explain but you know those mornings when you spill your coffee, drop your mascara on your white new t-shirt, cant find the keys etc? If you are in a good place it is ok, you get annoyed but you dont bother that much. I go bananas! I scream at the mirror, throw the pants, kick the wardrobe and that is not normal behaviour. The difference now compared to a few years ago is that I know why I feel so much anger but I still havent found a way to deal with it. Good thing is that people around me have much more patience with me ans understanding since I told them, before they would just think I am a complete idiot and tell me to get it together. I need to find a way to bit by bit let my anger out.

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almost worth it

Today is a pretty good dag. Before I started to acknowledge all that has happened to me I was constantly living in a numb state, with that i mean i didnt feel much at all. The true feelings i did have was anger and sadness.  I didnt know that back then but I do now, the bottomless happyness that I experience some days reminds me that it is worth all the hard work.  I want to be able to feel. A life without feelings isn’t worth much. Today I know what true happiness is and that it doesn’t have to be related to any special event or person, it comes from within.  Right here,  right now I am feeling a bubbly childish happiness and I smile.  I write this so that when life really sucks I can remind myself that it is worth it.

Tears needs to be cried in order to make room for a proper smile.

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