Tag Archives: mental-health

AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Fuck being fucked up!

It’s been ages since my last post, so much have happened and I have tried to make this part of my life as non-existing as possible. Every now and then I try to forget, try to convince myself that this is all history and that I am ok.  Then like a nuclear-bomb it all hits me again, breaking me down inside and out. I have come so far but I still have a long way to go.

I think of him every day, not a day without him in my mind. The taste of disgust in my mouth and the sickness in my stomach each time his face shows up. It is like I am haunted by the memories, like he still owns me and control my feelings and mind. During those years I lived in constant fear, a feeling that still does not let go of me. I am incapable to trust anyone who says they love me. I always believe that those closest to me will leave me and as soon as I get the feeling that someone is about to leave me behind I do everything in order to make it impossible to love me. Just so that I can say; ” I told you, you don’t love me!”. I keep proving to myself that I am unlovable instead of trying to just see what happens if I give in, if I let people love me. Maybe if I let people in, If I let go of the control people might just stay around and actually love me for who I am.

It is extremely difficult to let go of control. If I can’t control what happens, I am extremely vulnerable. If I can decide in advance what people will think of me, it’s easier, even if it results in me being difficult to like at least I know what people think of me.

It means I do not have to worry so much about what others think of me because I’ve already made sure that they don’t like me. If I’m not in control of what others think of me, chances are that they may not like me for who I really am. Then they are not liking the true me and that’s the scariest thing in the world. While those who like me, like me for who I really am then love me for my true self. I have to start facing life, trying to be my honest me every day because otherwise I will miss out on those who actually would have liked me if I had let them do it.

I will have to start letting go of control because otherwise I will miss out on life. 

 

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I feel better now, with every post that I write I feel that a tiny piece of my past is lifted of my shoulders. Bye bye anger, disappointment, fear, pain and disgust!

 

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Uncensored story from hell

Even though I slept more than 10 hours last night I am exhausted. I have had several cups of coffee and yet I am exhausted. Not even the shining sun gives enough energy for me to not be exhausted.

My friends met me at the train station yesterday, the walked me to the police office, they waited outside to help me to keep breathing afterwards, they stayed with me the entire day, night and are still here. That’s real friends, they don’t care if you have enough energy to admit that you need them, they know that you need them and with no questions asked, they are there.

The meeting lasted for an hour but it felt like forever. I didn’t make the official police report but I asked all the questions I need to have answer to in order to do it. The next step is to try to write down everything I remember and try to sort the memories according to when they occurred. That will be ,by far, the hardest thing I have done, having to remember everything that I for so many years done everything in my power to forget. There are reasons why I have suppressed them. Until now I have only told the “surronding” story, I havent dealt with any of the actual “abuse and rape” memories. I don’t even know how to deal with them, thinking of them makes me sick. Writing them in words, where will I find the strength to do that? The smells, the feelings, the environment everything that happened, in actual life and in my head. Everything is of importance, I need to tell the story the best as I can because the more I am able to remember and describe, the greater is the chance that he will be convicted for it. Tomorrow I will buy a notebook, I plan to carry it everywhere so when a memory pops up I will catch it and write it down. Part of hell starts now but I think I have to run through hell in order to get out if it. This wont be easy, it wont feel better but I know that in the end far from here it is a necessary step to take in order to reach the end.

Knowing what comes next, telling the real uncensored story, that is what makes me exhausted. Coffee, sleep and sun wont help, just breathing and keep going no matter what will lead me through it, and my friends and family. Hell is exhausting.

 

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Please help me out of hell

I’m in my favorite chair, all lights except one is turned off and I play one song loud and on repeat  “Takida- You Learn”. I don’t know what the lyric is about but the title, you learn describes my entire life. When I hear the song I think of all the things I have been forced to learn.

I learned to live with it I learned to get through the day I learned that no matter what I will somehow put one foot in front of the other I learned that I am always on my own I learned that life hurts I learned that pain is a more common feeling than happiness I learned to hide I learned to live with pain I learned to live a lie I learned that life isn’t what I thought it would be I learned that no one can be trusted I learned that I am invisible I learned that no one truly cares I learned that life sucks I learned to smile while crying inside I learned that no matter what I do I will end up on rock bottom I learned that I have nothing to lose I learned that I might as well try because life can’t be any worse than this I learned to lie I learned that childhood is not for everyone I learned things no child should ever know”

 

I learned life the hard way and it sucks.

 

It has been a rough couple of weeks where ive felt like ive been kicked while already lying down. My last therapy session was the most painful one so far. I broke down, I cried so I could barely breathe. When I left the session I had decided that I need to tell my parents because I need them when I feel like that. When I struggle to find my will to keep fighting I need them to pick me up and make sure that I will make it this time to. I have fought this battle on my own my entire life and I am not sure that I can keep doing it on my own. I called my parents as soon as I left the session, neither of them picked up the phone and neither of them returned the call until a few days later. When they returned my call I no longer had the courage to tell them. I don’t know how to tell them, I know I want to tell them but I don’t know how to. I know that there is no right moment to do it that there are only bad ones.

I am done with being sad, I don’t want to feel like this anymore and yet I am stuck in it. I know I have to get through it in order to feel better. I can no longer hide from it, try to avoid it or ignore it the only way to feel better is to get through it. I read a quote the other day; “If you are running through hell, keep running”. I believe I am in hell because I have not felt worse than this and I am afraid that if I stop now, I wont make it so I will keep running and keep fighting. The worst part is that I have to get through it alone if I dont find my courage to tell my family.

I dont want to go to bed. I have been up since 4am, 20 hours later I am still up. I am nackered but I dont want to go to bed, I feel so alone and it hurts so much as soon as I turn off all lights and try to go to sleep without no one holding me. Please someone hold me. Please someone find me some courage to tell my family. Please someone help me through this.

You made hell a part of my life and for that I hate you.

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A chapter from my sweet 16

This is my journal. My story and my way of making it through. When I write I just write the words that my fingers creates from the keys on the keyboard. I don’t think about what I write, it is like if I was on autopilot, my fingers dance away and create words, the words builds sentences that creates chapters of my story. I never know what I will write about and sometimes I feel lost in my posts and I am always surprised when I press publish because somehow the confused memories has created a complete chapter in the story of my life. The chapters are from both the past and the present and I have realised that; what I have been through affects every day of my life and that is why I sometimes can’t differ between now and then. A lot of the times I start to write about how I feel today and after when the post is complete it is like it has guided me and helped me to figure out where the feelings come from.

I never knew that words from strangers could be comforting but your comments have proved me wrong. This morning I woke up to a comment that made me cry. She made me realise that my story has an effect on people and when you tell me that what I have been through is not ok, it helps me to realise that it was not ok. I have struggled for so many years with the blame, I have blamed myself for what happened. I can’t count the times I’ve thought; What if I would have done something different? What if I would have just refused to get out of bed one morning? What if I would have jumped in front of a car to make it stop? I finally realised that it doesn’t do me any good to think what if. I can never change the past, all I can do is change today and my future. I can’t control everything that happens to me but I can control what I chose to do with it. I am in control of my own choices and I’ve decided to stop thinking; what if. It is harder than it sounds, because life is full of choices and by stop thinking “what if” you have to take responsibilities for all your choices and if you make the wrong one you have to make it work anyway.

I am scared of showing too much emotions, I’m afraid that I will scare people off. I hate that, I hate that I am not brave enough to stand up for what I feel. So what If I say I love you to a friend or a boy. If they feel cornered or uncomfortable it is their problem, no one has the right to be angry at you for saying you love them. I hate that I am scared of how they will react if I show that they actually mean something to me. I am so damaged that I can’t even say “I think I’m really starting to like you” without it feels like I am throwing myself of a cliff.
I am afraid that I will look stupid if I show to much emotions. I sent the boy a good night message, I didnt know what to write so I took a picture of myself where I made a “kissing” face and just wrote, goodnightkisses! I pressed send and a minute later I felt like an Idiot. Why? I dont know. If he thinks Im stupid it is his responsible to let me know. Go me for daring to look stupid!
I think I know why I have such a problem with telling people of how I feel, it is because I care to much about what they will answer me back. I have to understand that telling someone you like them is not a question it is a compliment to them and that I dont need a reply. Telling someone you like them is losing control, it is daring to see what happens when you open up. Will they stay or will they run away?
There is the key to my problem, I cant lose control. My therapeut told me that Im in such need of control because that was my lifeline when the abuse was going on. I made it through, day after day, year after year with the help of control. By controling my day I made sure that no unexpected surprises happened. If something unexpected happend and broke my pattern of control I broke down completly. Telling someone you like them is losing control because you go from something you know what it is til somthing unknow. But that is life, daring to take the step.
Life is worthless without love. When I was 16 I met a guy, the abuse was stil going on but this boyfriend “saved” me. He didnt know about the abuse so he couldt stop them, he saved me in the way that he held me when I went to sleep. He broke up with me after one year, and for me that ment that the world was going under. I broke down, I shivered, I couldnt breath and my parents couldnt for the world understand why I was so sad. Everyone have had a highschool crush that ended in heartbreak but I acted like life was over. If they had know what was going on with me with the rapes and the assault they would probably understand that when he broke up with me, the only thing that made me get out of bed in the morning disapeared. I there and then decided, even if I didnt know it, that I have to have control because otherwise I wont make it. So that is why, I am so extremly scared of just saying:  “I think I’m really starting to like you” .

I cant tell the boy Im seeing that I am starting to like him and for that I hate you!

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