Tag Archives: love

Trust?

I think the best of most people, I always think the better of them unless proven otherwise. The same with trust, I trust them until they proved that they can not be trusted. The problem is that it takes almost nothing in order for me to stop trusting someone, the smallest lie breaks the thin line of trust between me and the other person. My therapist told me it was because the abuse and the rape broke my ability to trust. A child trust everyone and abuse proves to them that not even life or the world can be trusted.

Being able to love with all my heart but not able to trust? It is a challange to make my relationship work since I do not trust. I want to trust, I want to believe in him, what he says and I want to believe in love. But what is love without trust? How do I grow back my ability to trust? I love my boyfriend to pieces and he has never done anything serious enough to break my trust. Small lies, white lies, creates hell in our relationship. I dont like the way I am, I dont like the reason to why I am the way I am but I dont know how to break it.

How do I start to trust again when I learned the hard way that no one and nothing can be trusted?

 

I hate you for stealing my ability to trust and all that comes with it. Fuck you.images (1) images trust-quotes

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Fuck being fucked up!

It’s been ages since my last post, so much have happened and I have tried to make this part of my life as non-existing as possible. Every now and then I try to forget, try to convince myself that this is all history and that I am ok.  Then like a nuclear-bomb it all hits me again, breaking me down inside and out. I have come so far but I still have a long way to go.

I think of him every day, not a day without him in my mind. The taste of disgust in my mouth and the sickness in my stomach each time his face shows up. It is like I am haunted by the memories, like he still owns me and control my feelings and mind. During those years I lived in constant fear, a feeling that still does not let go of me. I am incapable to trust anyone who says they love me. I always believe that those closest to me will leave me and as soon as I get the feeling that someone is about to leave me behind I do everything in order to make it impossible to love me. Just so that I can say; ” I told you, you don’t love me!”. I keep proving to myself that I am unlovable instead of trying to just see what happens if I give in, if I let people love me. Maybe if I let people in, If I let go of the control people might just stay around and actually love me for who I am.

It is extremely difficult to let go of control. If I can’t control what happens, I am extremely vulnerable. If I can decide in advance what people will think of me, it’s easier, even if it results in me being difficult to like at least I know what people think of me.

It means I do not have to worry so much about what others think of me because I’ve already made sure that they don’t like me. If I’m not in control of what others think of me, chances are that they may not like me for who I really am. Then they are not liking the true me and that’s the scariest thing in the world. While those who like me, like me for who I really am then love me for my true self. I have to start facing life, trying to be my honest me every day because otherwise I will miss out on those who actually would have liked me if I had let them do it.

I will have to start letting go of control because otherwise I will miss out on life. 

 

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I feel better now, with every post that I write I feel that a tiny piece of my past is lifted of my shoulders. Bye bye anger, disappointment, fear, pain and disgust!

 

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Im falling in love

This blog is about me telling my story and me living through it. So far it has been about all the rough spots, the hard times, the “I can’t breathe” moments. My writing is a surviving and putting it behind me strategy, I write whatever that comes to mind, I write whatever my fingers put together on the keyboard. The posts write them self most of the times, I don’t plan what I want to write, I write exactly how I feel in that exact moment. That is how I make the moments bearable and a tiny bit easier to live through.

Today I want to capture, for me a rather rare moment, a moment of feeling good about myself and a day of smiles without reasons. Yesterday I heard myself saying, “I deserve to be loved for who I am and I deserve to live my life without pretending to be who I am not just in order to hide what I am scared of showing. I deserve to be loved even though my history differs from most people’s”. I think that this is the first sign of me falling in love. Falling in love with myself. I am worth loving and if I can’t love me, no others can either. So I welcome the feeling of love, maybe I can for the first time in my life experience how life is when I love and appreciate who I am?

I texted my friend on my way to work this morning. I wrote;

My hair is dirty, I am wearing a dress and a pink dress jacket to work and I look like shit but still feeling fabulous. What is wrong with me?”

She replayed:

I think you are what normal people would call happy!”

So there it was, I could even though I didnt have the best hairday feel absolutely amazing. I guess that is how you feel when you know you got it even when you look like shit. Looks is just looks, the inside thats the shit!

 

 

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My inside died when I was young

I’ve been listening on that song all day, repeatedly. The phrase “ we are not forgotten”  comforts me in a mildly hurting way. It makes me feel like it is ok to be sad, it is ok to be hurt and that I am not forgotten. I have not forgotten myself, I still havent given up and there is hope. I hurt when I listen to that song but I hurt in a good way. It is like I can let go of some pain through that song by not escaping my feelings. I sent it to my closest friends today and asked them to listen to it and to be there for me where ever they are through that song.

When I’m not ok, when life is harder than other days I can not feel too much because it feels like I will break. I am on the verge of breaking down, the mildest attempt of kindness or love breaks downs all my walls and defences. You know when you are so busy with just holding it together so when someone asks you how you are, all you can say is fine but you know if they ask again or show any kind of physical comfort the tears will start to roll down your cheeks and the pain will hit you harder than a car on a freeway. This day has been one of those days. I wrote an email to my mother last night, telling her how I feel and that I am sorry for not being able to be physically close to her right now. She loves me so much that I cannot handle it right now, it is to intense and it will break down all my walls and I am not there yet. I wrote that I love her and that she is the best mother someone could ever wish for and that I know that she is there even when I push away. I feel guilty for pulling away from my family but right now I can’t do anything else. When I woke up today she had sent me a response, I read it and the email was one of those second lines of how are you and that hug that breaks down your walls. I cried, from the heart, from the soul and there was a sadness inside of me aching in every part of my body. It reminded me of the purpose to my fight, I fight for me and that what was she wrote. She told me she knew, my mum always know before I do. She wrote that she loves me no matter what, she loves me through everything I have to go through even if it means pulling away from her sometimes. The pureness and the honesty in her response helped me to feel that it is ok to be not ok. She is honest with what I go through, she sais that it is hell and that it is ok to be hell. I need that. I sometimes forget that. I have not yet accepted that I am not ok, that I have a wound greater than words can describe and that it is infected and hidden in deep scar tissue. When mum sais it is ok to be sad I can let go of my own defence and allow myself to be hurt.

The song playing now is Anna Ternheim, Shoreline. The words are like knives.

I’m not the boy that I used to be
this town has got the youth of me
all the eyes turn hollow
from the work of sorrow “

I know that there is only one thing I can do and that is to not give up. And I wont, I wont ever give up. But days like this one I have to remind myself of why I bother to fight. I fight because a life without going through this is no life at all. It is a life with no emotions, no feelings and no true love. I’m terrified but determined. He has already taken so much I wont give him more. I will heal, I will be ok, I just have to accept that I am not there yet but feeling like this is part of the way of getting there. Feeling at all is a huge progress for me because for so many years I did not feel at all. I was completely numb, I did what I was told and I stayed busy all time. I never gave myself the opportunity to feel. I survived that way but I can’t live that way. Right now it is not surviving everyday anymore, not it is surviving the hard days and learning to live the other ones.

I am responsible for my own actions but I can not control all that happens to me. I have to accept that I did not do this to me. He did. I am not responsible for what I have been through but I am responsible for how I act my way out of it.

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I am fucked up.

I feel this extreme loneliness eating me up from inside. I want to run, escape and leave it all behind but I can’t. I can’t outrun myself, this is my life and as hard and unfair it is I have to accept it. I struggle, I don’t always or more accurate almost never show it but I do struggle. Every day, every moment is a fight. Small things in my everyday life turns into huge dilemmas just because having to struggle with this every single day leaves no energy left to live “a normal life”. My emotions are upside down and my feelings are nine out of ten times irrational. I’m tired of not being able to just be “normal”. If someone rejects me I feel an instant ache in my chest, I feel unwanted, alone and forgotten and I drown in thoughts of “what did I say? What did I do? Am I not good enough? Why don’t you like me?“. It doesn’t matter if it a colleague saying their to busy at the moment or if it a date that stops getting in touch, I can’t handle being “not chosen”. I know why, or I think I know why, it’s because all those years I felt so alone, scared and not being able to love myself I depended in others to love me. If they didn’t love me or like me it proved me right. I was worth nothing.

I can be such a bitch sometimes, I know it. I make others unlike me by choice, because if they don’t like me
It proves that there is nothing wrong with me not liking me either.

I know it’s contradicting but nothing in how I feel or how I sometimes act is rational or explainable. I’m real fucked up.

If I had three wishes, I would wish;
that my life had never crossed path with his
actually I think that is my only wish and if I had three wishes I would make the same wish all three times just to make sure it came true.
There are other things I wish was different but some things is just life. People get sick, people don’t last forever and there are rough spots in everyone’s life’s. We all have our struggles. That is why I believe in karma because if I have to have all the other struggles as well; how the hell will I make it?

When life is though, when I’m lying here drowning in the feeling of loneliness with tears rolling down my cheek I keep telling myself that life will come around. I just have to make to most of it meanwhile and one day I will be able to breathe without feeling razor blades.

You fucked me up and for that I hate you

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17hours

17 hours. 10am tomorrow I will be at the police station.

I am broken.

No words are strong enough to express how I feel. I feel dead inside yet more alive then ever because I feel every breath I take, it’s like breathing razor blades. All I can do is keep breathing and avoid feeling, I can’t feel because the pain is to great.

My friends called me before to let me know that they don’t care if I need them or not. They will be there every step of the way holding me even if I try to break free. Friends like that makes it worth it, worth every razor blade breath. Tears where rolling down my cheeks when she called because with them I can bare to let some of the pain out. Some of the tears where from pure love because I think that the time the phone call lasted is in the top ten moments in my life where I felt the most love.

Thanks to the ones that brings me home when I try to run.

You took out your pain on me and for that I hate you.

And dear sister, if you are reading this. Knowing you know makes it easier. ❤

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Always lived my life alone

I’ve always been surrounded by people, I have a great family and the best friends and yet I feel alone. It’s like the loneliness can’t be cured, it doesn’t matter what I try to fill it with it is still there. The more love I get the more alone I feel. It makes no sense but it is the harsh truth. So why bother with love at all? I struggle with that everyday because I want love to be a part of my life. It sucks to be me right now. I just want to walk away from everything, just buy a one way ticket and start a new life somewhere else and when there is to much love there I move and do it all over again. I’m used to be on my own, not sharing, not opening up and the deep loneliness has been a part of my life for so long that I don’t even notice it anymore. Until there is love. Love reminds me of how life should be, it fills me with so much anger and pain because I hate hate hate hate that the assault made me distance myself from everything that mattered. I can’t stand that I missed out on so much, it’s like thinking of death, there is nothing you can do about it and yet you can be so angry with it. I feel like that and love triggers it, it triggers the feeling that I only live once and someone has stolen a few of my priceless years. Love reminds me, and I am angry that something that is beautiful and worth living for feels me with anger and pain. I could run a thousand miles and the pain would still be there. Fuck it! I just want to scream from the top of my lungs, hit something, cry and yet here I am appearing to be all ok if you would happen to walk by me.

You stole my ability to love and for that I sincerely hate you.

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A chapter from my sweet 16

This is my journal. My story and my way of making it through. When I write I just write the words that my fingers creates from the keys on the keyboard. I don’t think about what I write, it is like if I was on autopilot, my fingers dance away and create words, the words builds sentences that creates chapters of my story. I never know what I will write about and sometimes I feel lost in my posts and I am always surprised when I press publish because somehow the confused memories has created a complete chapter in the story of my life. The chapters are from both the past and the present and I have realised that; what I have been through affects every day of my life and that is why I sometimes can’t differ between now and then. A lot of the times I start to write about how I feel today and after when the post is complete it is like it has guided me and helped me to figure out where the feelings come from.

I never knew that words from strangers could be comforting but your comments have proved me wrong. This morning I woke up to a comment that made me cry. She made me realise that my story has an effect on people and when you tell me that what I have been through is not ok, it helps me to realise that it was not ok. I have struggled for so many years with the blame, I have blamed myself for what happened. I can’t count the times I’ve thought; What if I would have done something different? What if I would have just refused to get out of bed one morning? What if I would have jumped in front of a car to make it stop? I finally realised that it doesn’t do me any good to think what if. I can never change the past, all I can do is change today and my future. I can’t control everything that happens to me but I can control what I chose to do with it. I am in control of my own choices and I’ve decided to stop thinking; what if. It is harder than it sounds, because life is full of choices and by stop thinking “what if” you have to take responsibilities for all your choices and if you make the wrong one you have to make it work anyway.

I am scared of showing too much emotions, I’m afraid that I will scare people off. I hate that, I hate that I am not brave enough to stand up for what I feel. So what If I say I love you to a friend or a boy. If they feel cornered or uncomfortable it is their problem, no one has the right to be angry at you for saying you love them. I hate that I am scared of how they will react if I show that they actually mean something to me. I am so damaged that I can’t even say “I think I’m really starting to like you” without it feels like I am throwing myself of a cliff.
I am afraid that I will look stupid if I show to much emotions. I sent the boy a good night message, I didnt know what to write so I took a picture of myself where I made a “kissing” face and just wrote, goodnightkisses! I pressed send and a minute later I felt like an Idiot. Why? I dont know. If he thinks Im stupid it is his responsible to let me know. Go me for daring to look stupid!
I think I know why I have such a problem with telling people of how I feel, it is because I care to much about what they will answer me back. I have to understand that telling someone you like them is not a question it is a compliment to them and that I dont need a reply. Telling someone you like them is losing control, it is daring to see what happens when you open up. Will they stay or will they run away?
There is the key to my problem, I cant lose control. My therapeut told me that Im in such need of control because that was my lifeline when the abuse was going on. I made it through, day after day, year after year with the help of control. By controling my day I made sure that no unexpected surprises happened. If something unexpected happend and broke my pattern of control I broke down completly. Telling someone you like them is losing control because you go from something you know what it is til somthing unknow. But that is life, daring to take the step.
Life is worthless without love. When I was 16 I met a guy, the abuse was stil going on but this boyfriend “saved” me. He didnt know about the abuse so he couldt stop them, he saved me in the way that he held me when I went to sleep. He broke up with me after one year, and for me that ment that the world was going under. I broke down, I shivered, I couldnt breath and my parents couldnt for the world understand why I was so sad. Everyone have had a highschool crush that ended in heartbreak but I acted like life was over. If they had know what was going on with me with the rapes and the assault they would probably understand that when he broke up with me, the only thing that made me get out of bed in the morning disapeared. I there and then decided, even if I didnt know it, that I have to have control because otherwise I wont make it. So that is why, I am so extremly scared of just saying:  “I think I’m really starting to like you” .

I cant tell the boy Im seeing that I am starting to like him and for that I hate you!

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Why didn’t you hold me?

I figured out why it hurts when I breath when I go to bed and why I am scared when the lights and the tv is off. I shiver when I know I have to go to sleep, when I know I can’t put it off anymore because no matter how much I don’t want to sleep I know I can’t be without it. I need sleep and as I turn off the lights it feels like someone puts a mountain on top of my chest. I feel trapped. I don’t want to go to sleep because I don’t want it to be tomorrow. That is how it felt during all those years, I didn’t want tomorrow to come. The “safest” moment of the day was when I was tucked in bed and I knew that right there and right then he couldn’t hurt me but as soon as tomorrow came I was unsafe again. Now that I know why I feel this pain when I go to bed it is ok, it is the pain that the little girl suppressed in order to have the energy to make it through. Feelings have to be expressed before you can let them go, so I think that is why I feel this pain now because I have to feel it in order to let it go.

Life is though. I never expected it not to be and yet it keeps surprising me. I had an amazing weekend with the guy I’m seeing. After he left I sat down realising that I am so scared of starting to like him that I am even thinking of ending it instead of daring to see what happens. The intimacy brings up so many feeling, feeling safe and loved reminds me of how it feels to feel that your not. How it feels to really need it when no one is there to give it. He gave me one of those hugs where you really feel liked and safe and I had to put all my energy in to not crying. It was like a button was pushed and I felt so vulnerable. I realise how little it takes to tear down the wall that I have created between me and my inner feelings. I just wanted to cry in his arms, him telling me that it will be ok. I know that it is not his arms that I really need, or I do today I do but I mean that his arms reminds me of how much I longed for that hug during the years with the sexual assault. When I was lying there in my bed scared of life and not wanting tomorrow to arrive I needed someone to hold me like that. His hug just reminded me of the anger and the pain I feel that no one saw what was happening because if someone would have seen it maybe someone would have hold me. I’m so so scared but I think I really like this guy and I want to see what happens. But who will catch me if I fall? He makes me smile and I think I have not appreciated a thing like that before and now I am realising that that is one of the most
Important things. So please help me if I try to back out and take the easy way out and remind me of that life is not worth anything of you don’t dare to live it. So life, bring it on!

You hurt me so bad that I’m afraid of falling in love and for that I hate you!

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Descending with tears

I do really hate this part of the day, when I have to go to sleep. Most of the times it takes forever before I can turn of the TV, I can’t bare when it’s quite so after the TV is shut of I have to listen to music. My playlist is called “heartbroken“, it puts me to sleep every night. Lately I’ve cried myself to sleep exhausted from fighting of memories I can’t bare to think off.

You know the feeling you get in your chest when you have to do something you really don’t want to do? That’s how I feel when I have to go to sleep. It started after my first night with the boy I’ve met, I think the comfort I felt sleeping in someone’s arms made me realise how scared I am when I am on my own. The night is the darkest hours of the day in many aspects.

I’ve been texting with the guy all evening and I can really tell when my fear of going to bed kicks in because it is when I start to read everything the text doesn’t say. What I am trying to say is that earlier in the evening when I do feel ok I can be glad for the simple reason that he just sent me a text. I just received a text saying “good night, sweet dreams. Kisses! and I react by thinking “why didn’t he write sweetie? Oh no he is not into me. Look I know I’m crazy, you don’t have to tell me that. But I also know that I react like that because I hate to say good night since for me going to sleep is the worst part of the day. I think I try to feel hurt by him so that the pain in my chest will be identifiable. Then after reasoning with myself I know that I really appreciate his good night text and that I just have to realise that the pain in my chest is from what I still partly ignore, the rapes and the abuse.

Life is scary but for the first time in my life I am ready to take it on. I decided that I rather get hurt for real than keep living this fake emotional life I’ve created. I have some of the worlds greatest friends that truly carries me when I don’t have the energy to walk. I’ve had the courage to tell my story to some of them and for the rest I am still trying to get enough courage to do it. I am so scared and yet my fighting spirit is stronger than ever.

I am still descending, but in a controlled way. I’m moving towards rock bottom because I need to get down there, face all that I’ve been true and build myself a new foundation to stand on. It’s a long way, the longest one I’ve ever walked. Feeling like I do now and knowing that the worst is yet to come is terrifying and yet worth it. I know, for the first time, in my heart that I will someday be ok and in order to get there I can’t skip any steps. This time I’m in it for real, and by it I mean my life. I’m taking it back no matter what the costs are. I’ve tried living like this and I promise you that it’s no longer worth it unless it becomes real and real means feeling. So I am feeling and here I am in my bed crying my heart out.

You played with my life and for that I hate you.

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