Tag Archives: feelings

Perspective

Perspective. That’s what I got from all of this, perspective on life and all the challenges it brings. Whenever life is tough and tries to knock me down, I remember that as a thirteen year old girl I was strong enough to survive years of mental and sexual abuse. Thinking of the strength I have within me, makes me proud. I know I will survive, whatever life brings me. I know it will be tough, I know that I will be seconds from giving up, I know I will cry, I know it will hurt but I also know that I will survive it. It’s comforting to know that.

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My inside died when I was young

I’ve been listening on that song all day, repeatedly. The phrase “ we are not forgotten”  comforts me in a mildly hurting way. It makes me feel like it is ok to be sad, it is ok to be hurt and that I am not forgotten. I have not forgotten myself, I still havent given up and there is hope. I hurt when I listen to that song but I hurt in a good way. It is like I can let go of some pain through that song by not escaping my feelings. I sent it to my closest friends today and asked them to listen to it and to be there for me where ever they are through that song.

When I’m not ok, when life is harder than other days I can not feel too much because it feels like I will break. I am on the verge of breaking down, the mildest attempt of kindness or love breaks downs all my walls and defences. You know when you are so busy with just holding it together so when someone asks you how you are, all you can say is fine but you know if they ask again or show any kind of physical comfort the tears will start to roll down your cheeks and the pain will hit you harder than a car on a freeway. This day has been one of those days. I wrote an email to my mother last night, telling her how I feel and that I am sorry for not being able to be physically close to her right now. She loves me so much that I cannot handle it right now, it is to intense and it will break down all my walls and I am not there yet. I wrote that I love her and that she is the best mother someone could ever wish for and that I know that she is there even when I push away. I feel guilty for pulling away from my family but right now I can’t do anything else. When I woke up today she had sent me a response, I read it and the email was one of those second lines of how are you and that hug that breaks down your walls. I cried, from the heart, from the soul and there was a sadness inside of me aching in every part of my body. It reminded me of the purpose to my fight, I fight for me and that what was she wrote. She told me she knew, my mum always know before I do. She wrote that she loves me no matter what, she loves me through everything I have to go through even if it means pulling away from her sometimes. The pureness and the honesty in her response helped me to feel that it is ok to be not ok. She is honest with what I go through, she sais that it is hell and that it is ok to be hell. I need that. I sometimes forget that. I have not yet accepted that I am not ok, that I have a wound greater than words can describe and that it is infected and hidden in deep scar tissue. When mum sais it is ok to be sad I can let go of my own defence and allow myself to be hurt.

The song playing now is Anna Ternheim, Shoreline. The words are like knives.

I’m not the boy that I used to be
this town has got the youth of me
all the eyes turn hollow
from the work of sorrow “

I know that there is only one thing I can do and that is to not give up. And I wont, I wont ever give up. But days like this one I have to remind myself of why I bother to fight. I fight because a life without going through this is no life at all. It is a life with no emotions, no feelings and no true love. I’m terrified but determined. He has already taken so much I wont give him more. I will heal, I will be ok, I just have to accept that I am not there yet but feeling like this is part of the way of getting there. Feeling at all is a huge progress for me because for so many years I did not feel at all. I was completely numb, I did what I was told and I stayed busy all time. I never gave myself the opportunity to feel. I survived that way but I can’t live that way. Right now it is not surviving everyday anymore, not it is surviving the hard days and learning to live the other ones.

I am responsible for my own actions but I can not control all that happens to me. I have to accept that I did not do this to me. He did. I am not responsible for what I have been through but I am responsible for how I act my way out of it.

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I’m not one of those who can hide my feelings

Emotionally screwed up. I’m sick of my feelings not acting in a rational way, they can’t handle the slightest rejection and they hurt unreasonably much. I try to talk with them, understand them and figure out where they belong. I guess I have to accept that I am emotionally handicapped. They make my life complicated, normal everyday situations can for me be a “mountain to climb“. I want to be just me, right here, right now enjoying life but I don’t know how. They control me and make sure that I screw things up. It’s 4 pm, Sunday afternoon and I just want this day to end. I’m gonna go to bed, try to sleep this day out. They say life gets easier, time heals, wounds close and scars fade and I guess that I’ll just have to live through it and hope they know what they’re talking about. Fuck this day.

How am I suppose to handle the obstacles life puts in front of me when I have to use all my energy to leave the old ones behind?

I’m emotionally screwed up and for that I hate you.

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I am fucked up.

I feel this extreme loneliness eating me up from inside. I want to run, escape and leave it all behind but I can’t. I can’t outrun myself, this is my life and as hard and unfair it is I have to accept it. I struggle, I don’t always or more accurate almost never show it but I do struggle. Every day, every moment is a fight. Small things in my everyday life turns into huge dilemmas just because having to struggle with this every single day leaves no energy left to live “a normal life”. My emotions are upside down and my feelings are nine out of ten times irrational. I’m tired of not being able to just be “normal”. If someone rejects me I feel an instant ache in my chest, I feel unwanted, alone and forgotten and I drown in thoughts of “what did I say? What did I do? Am I not good enough? Why don’t you like me?“. It doesn’t matter if it a colleague saying their to busy at the moment or if it a date that stops getting in touch, I can’t handle being “not chosen”. I know why, or I think I know why, it’s because all those years I felt so alone, scared and not being able to love myself I depended in others to love me. If they didn’t love me or like me it proved me right. I was worth nothing.

I can be such a bitch sometimes, I know it. I make others unlike me by choice, because if they don’t like me
It proves that there is nothing wrong with me not liking me either.

I know it’s contradicting but nothing in how I feel or how I sometimes act is rational or explainable. I’m real fucked up.

If I had three wishes, I would wish;
that my life had never crossed path with his
actually I think that is my only wish and if I had three wishes I would make the same wish all three times just to make sure it came true.
There are other things I wish was different but some things is just life. People get sick, people don’t last forever and there are rough spots in everyone’s life’s. We all have our struggles. That is why I believe in karma because if I have to have all the other struggles as well; how the hell will I make it?

When life is though, when I’m lying here drowning in the feeling of loneliness with tears rolling down my cheek I keep telling myself that life will come around. I just have to make to most of it meanwhile and one day I will be able to breathe without feeling razor blades.

You fucked me up and for that I hate you

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Uncensored story from hell

Even though I slept more than 10 hours last night I am exhausted. I have had several cups of coffee and yet I am exhausted. Not even the shining sun gives enough energy for me to not be exhausted.

My friends met me at the train station yesterday, the walked me to the police office, they waited outside to help me to keep breathing afterwards, they stayed with me the entire day, night and are still here. That’s real friends, they don’t care if you have enough energy to admit that you need them, they know that you need them and with no questions asked, they are there.

The meeting lasted for an hour but it felt like forever. I didn’t make the official police report but I asked all the questions I need to have answer to in order to do it. The next step is to try to write down everything I remember and try to sort the memories according to when they occurred. That will be ,by far, the hardest thing I have done, having to remember everything that I for so many years done everything in my power to forget. There are reasons why I have suppressed them. Until now I have only told the “surronding” story, I havent dealt with any of the actual “abuse and rape” memories. I don’t even know how to deal with them, thinking of them makes me sick. Writing them in words, where will I find the strength to do that? The smells, the feelings, the environment everything that happened, in actual life and in my head. Everything is of importance, I need to tell the story the best as I can because the more I am able to remember and describe, the greater is the chance that he will be convicted for it. Tomorrow I will buy a notebook, I plan to carry it everywhere so when a memory pops up I will catch it and write it down. Part of hell starts now but I think I have to run through hell in order to get out if it. This wont be easy, it wont feel better but I know that in the end far from here it is a necessary step to take in order to reach the end.

Knowing what comes next, telling the real uncensored story, that is what makes me exhausted. Coffee, sleep and sun wont help, just breathing and keep going no matter what will lead me through it, and my friends and family. Hell is exhausting.

 

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Why didn’t you hold me?

I figured out why it hurts when I breath when I go to bed and why I am scared when the lights and the tv is off. I shiver when I know I have to go to sleep, when I know I can’t put it off anymore because no matter how much I don’t want to sleep I know I can’t be without it. I need sleep and as I turn off the lights it feels like someone puts a mountain on top of my chest. I feel trapped. I don’t want to go to sleep because I don’t want it to be tomorrow. That is how it felt during all those years, I didn’t want tomorrow to come. The “safest” moment of the day was when I was tucked in bed and I knew that right there and right then he couldn’t hurt me but as soon as tomorrow came I was unsafe again. Now that I know why I feel this pain when I go to bed it is ok, it is the pain that the little girl suppressed in order to have the energy to make it through. Feelings have to be expressed before you can let them go, so I think that is why I feel this pain now because I have to feel it in order to let it go.

Life is though. I never expected it not to be and yet it keeps surprising me. I had an amazing weekend with the guy I’m seeing. After he left I sat down realising that I am so scared of starting to like him that I am even thinking of ending it instead of daring to see what happens. The intimacy brings up so many feeling, feeling safe and loved reminds me of how it feels to feel that your not. How it feels to really need it when no one is there to give it. He gave me one of those hugs where you really feel liked and safe and I had to put all my energy in to not crying. It was like a button was pushed and I felt so vulnerable. I realise how little it takes to tear down the wall that I have created between me and my inner feelings. I just wanted to cry in his arms, him telling me that it will be ok. I know that it is not his arms that I really need, or I do today I do but I mean that his arms reminds me of how much I longed for that hug during the years with the sexual assault. When I was lying there in my bed scared of life and not wanting tomorrow to arrive I needed someone to hold me like that. His hug just reminded me of the anger and the pain I feel that no one saw what was happening because if someone would have seen it maybe someone would have hold me. I’m so so scared but I think I really like this guy and I want to see what happens. But who will catch me if I fall? He makes me smile and I think I have not appreciated a thing like that before and now I am realising that that is one of the most
Important things. So please help me if I try to back out and take the easy way out and remind me of that life is not worth anything of you don’t dare to live it. So life, bring it on!

You hurt me so bad that I’m afraid of falling in love and for that I hate you!

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Descending with tears

I do really hate this part of the day, when I have to go to sleep. Most of the times it takes forever before I can turn of the TV, I can’t bare when it’s quite so after the TV is shut of I have to listen to music. My playlist is called “heartbroken“, it puts me to sleep every night. Lately I’ve cried myself to sleep exhausted from fighting of memories I can’t bare to think off.

You know the feeling you get in your chest when you have to do something you really don’t want to do? That’s how I feel when I have to go to sleep. It started after my first night with the boy I’ve met, I think the comfort I felt sleeping in someone’s arms made me realise how scared I am when I am on my own. The night is the darkest hours of the day in many aspects.

I’ve been texting with the guy all evening and I can really tell when my fear of going to bed kicks in because it is when I start to read everything the text doesn’t say. What I am trying to say is that earlier in the evening when I do feel ok I can be glad for the simple reason that he just sent me a text. I just received a text saying “good night, sweet dreams. Kisses! and I react by thinking “why didn’t he write sweetie? Oh no he is not into me. Look I know I’m crazy, you don’t have to tell me that. But I also know that I react like that because I hate to say good night since for me going to sleep is the worst part of the day. I think I try to feel hurt by him so that the pain in my chest will be identifiable. Then after reasoning with myself I know that I really appreciate his good night text and that I just have to realise that the pain in my chest is from what I still partly ignore, the rapes and the abuse.

Life is scary but for the first time in my life I am ready to take it on. I decided that I rather get hurt for real than keep living this fake emotional life I’ve created. I have some of the worlds greatest friends that truly carries me when I don’t have the energy to walk. I’ve had the courage to tell my story to some of them and for the rest I am still trying to get enough courage to do it. I am so scared and yet my fighting spirit is stronger than ever.

I am still descending, but in a controlled way. I’m moving towards rock bottom because I need to get down there, face all that I’ve been true and build myself a new foundation to stand on. It’s a long way, the longest one I’ve ever walked. Feeling like I do now and knowing that the worst is yet to come is terrifying and yet worth it. I know, for the first time, in my heart that I will someday be ok and in order to get there I can’t skip any steps. This time I’m in it for real, and by it I mean my life. I’m taking it back no matter what the costs are. I’ve tried living like this and I promise you that it’s no longer worth it unless it becomes real and real means feeling. So I am feeling and here I am in my bed crying my heart out.

You played with my life and for that I hate you.

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Tears rolling down my cheeks

I hate this part of the day when I’m in bed and I’ve turned off the lights. I have nothing that distracts me from my thoughts and feelings. I don’t know what just hit me but it feels someone just put an enormous stone on my chest. The stone is so heavy that I have to fight for every breath. I know I won’t stop breathing but it feels like I have to fight for every breath. Memories are attacking me because they know I’m weak at this hour of the day. I get affected and I can’t fight them. I just have to watch them as tears are rolling down my cheeks. I knew this would happen but at least I had one good weekend without the pain and the memories.

I don’t want to go to sleep, I’m scared of what I might dream. I wish someone would hold me right now and tell me that it is ok to be scared and that it is ok to cry when you are hurting. The problem is I haven’t shared my story with the ones I would need the most, my family. I’m 26 and still I wish that my mum would hold me and tell me that I will be ok. But how can I ever tell this to my parents and at the same time how can I not?

Tears keep rolling down my cheeks. I am not ok. I am scared and all I can do is keep trying even when it hurts the most.

I can’t go to sleep on my own without tears rolling down my cheeks and for that I hate you.

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I will not be a robot anymore

It’s time to open up again. After my therapy session I had no energy left to deal with my feelings so this weekend I have suppressed it and enjoyed living in the moment instead. Unfortunately that usually means that I a few days later feel so much worse than if I had not shut off my feelings. But sometimes I have no choice, I don’t have the energy to not be ok so sometimes even just even for a weekend I need to pretend that I am ok.

I notice a difference in how I feel now compared to six months ago. It’s like I have a different depth in my feelings and more levels in how I can feel. Since I have turned off my emotions for so many years, I’ve somehow got me a relatively one-dimensional emotional scale. Now that I have started working with myself , my emotional scale has expanded and it’s scary when feelings I have never experienced before comes forward. I wish it was easier to put  feelings into words, how do you describe a feeling never before experienced? It’s like describing a color you’ve never seen, a smell you never smelled or a taste you never tasted. It is somewhat how I feel, I feel in a way I never felt so it’s next to impossible to describe.

I have all my life since the abuse began, lived in the role. It’s hard to explain but I’ve lived a bit like a robot. My survival strategy was to always make sure to focus on something that takes up all my energy so that there is no energy left over for scary thoughts or feel how I really feel. I’ve always been told;

“I do not understand how you have the energy,”
“I do not understand how you can do it all!”
“You’re the strongest person I know.”

The truth behind that is that I have not had any choice. I have focused so much on things and engaged myself in a lot only to not have time for myself. I have created myself an identity as being the good one. By creating an identity, I did not show the real me, and by performing at most things, I was never questioned. There are not many who question the one who delivers great results, as does what is expected and who outwardly acts normal.

Today I am looking for the courage to be just me. I can not wake up every morning and go into a role. I do not want to live my life like a robot. I want to have feelings and all that it entails, both the positive and negative. It’s all new to me to be with other people when I’m just me. I fear what they’ll think about the real me. The reason I lived my life in a role is to protect myself. It has acted as a protective barrier around me. I built a wall between me and the world in terms of the role I have taken. When someone has not liked me, I could blame it on the role and then not have to deal with the fact that they do not like me. I think I’ve protected myself because I have been so damaged and hurt inside that my only salvation was that I have excluded the possibility of more pain.

I met a guy. I actually think I might begin to like him. I have realized that he is actually the first guy who can get to know the real me. It makes me scared, because if he does not like me, I can not blame it on something other than that he does not like me for who I am. I want to dare to give this a try. I’m angry that what I have been exposed to still hunts me. I will dare. I’m terrified. I will defeat my fear. I will dare to see where it goes regardless of the outcome. I do not want to live my life without daring to feel real. I’m ready to take the risk of being hurt. Life is no bed of roses, and just because I have been exposed to something no one should have to live through, I will not give up. Shit, it’s time for me to begin dare to live for real!

You made me into a robot and for that I hate you

 

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