I do really hate this part of the day, when I have to go to sleep. Most of the times it takes forever before I can turn of the TV, I can’t bare when it’s quite so after the TV is shut of I have to listen to music. My playlist is called “heartbroken“, it puts me to sleep every night. Lately I’ve cried myself to sleep exhausted from fighting of memories I can’t bare to think off.
You know the feeling you get in your chest when you have to do something you really don’t want to do? That’s how I feel when I have to go to sleep. It started after my first night with the boy I’ve met, I think the comfort I felt sleeping in someone’s arms made me realise how scared I am when I am on my own. The night is the darkest hours of the day in many aspects.
I’ve been texting with the guy all evening and I can really tell when my fear of going to bed kicks in because it is when I start to read everything the text doesn’t say. What I am trying to say is that earlier in the evening when I do feel ok I can be glad for the simple reason that he just sent me a text. I just received a text saying “good night, sweet dreams. Kisses! and I react by thinking “why didn’t he write sweetie? Oh no he is not into me. Look I know I’m crazy, you don’t have to tell me that. But I also know that I react like that because I hate to say good night since for me going to sleep is the worst part of the day. I think I try to feel hurt by him so that the pain in my chest will be identifiable. Then after reasoning with myself I know that I really appreciate his good night text and that I just have to realise that the pain in my chest is from what I still partly ignore, the rapes and the abuse.
Life is scary but for the first time in my life I am ready to take it on. I decided that I rather get hurt for real than keep living this fake emotional life I’ve created. I have some of the worlds greatest friends that truly carries me when I don’t have the energy to walk. I’ve had the courage to tell my story to some of them and for the rest I am still trying to get enough courage to do it. I am so scared and yet my fighting spirit is stronger than ever.
I am still descending, but in a controlled way. I’m moving towards rock bottom because I need to get down there, face all that I’ve been true and build myself a new foundation to stand on. It’s a long way, the longest one I’ve ever walked. Feeling like I do now and knowing that the worst is yet to come is terrifying and yet worth it. I know, for the first time, in my heart that I will someday be ok and in order to get there I can’t skip any steps. This time I’m in it for real, and by it I mean my life. I’m taking it back no matter what the costs are. I’ve tried living like this and I promise you that it’s no longer worth it unless it becomes real and real means feeling. So I am feeling and here I am in my bed crying my heart out.
You played with my life and for that I hate you.
And for that I hate you 