Tag Archives: broken

Trust?

I think the best of most people, I always think the better of them unless proven otherwise. The same with trust, I trust them until they proved that they can not be trusted. The problem is that it takes almost nothing in order for me to stop trusting someone, the smallest lie breaks the thin line of trust between me and the other person. My therapist told me it was because the abuse and the rape broke my ability to trust. A child trust everyone and abuse proves to them that not even life or the world can be trusted.

Being able to love with all my heart but not able to trust? It is a challange to make my relationship work since I do not trust. I want to trust, I want to believe in him, what he says and I want to believe in love. But what is love without trust? How do I grow back my ability to trust? I love my boyfriend to pieces and he has never done anything serious enough to break my trust. Small lies, white lies, creates hell in our relationship. I dont like the way I am, I dont like the reason to why I am the way I am but I dont know how to break it.

How do I start to trust again when I learned the hard way that no one and nothing can be trusted?

 

I hate you for stealing my ability to trust and all that comes with it. Fuck you.images (1) images trust-quotes

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17hours

17 hours. 10am tomorrow I will be at the police station.

I am broken.

No words are strong enough to express how I feel. I feel dead inside yet more alive then ever because I feel every breath I take, it’s like breathing razor blades. All I can do is keep breathing and avoid feeling, I can’t feel because the pain is to great.

My friends called me before to let me know that they don’t care if I need them or not. They will be there every step of the way holding me even if I try to break free. Friends like that makes it worth it, worth every razor blade breath. Tears where rolling down my cheeks when she called because with them I can bare to let some of the pain out. Some of the tears where from pure love because I think that the time the phone call lasted is in the top ten moments in my life where I felt the most love.

Thanks to the ones that brings me home when I try to run.

You took out your pain on me and for that I hate you.

And dear sister, if you are reading this. Knowing you know makes it easier. ❤

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You locked me in a cage

There is so much I want to tell and so many feelings that I want to describe but it is like climbing up a hillside covered in soap. I keep trying but I just keep slipping back and it takes several tries before I manage to get somewhere. I want to share my story and I need to share it, because after I finish a post I read it out loud to myself and it is like if it is the first time I ever hear it. It is like I can’t process what I’ve been through and accept my feelings before I have put them in words and read them. It is so unreal and I’ve denied it for so many years that I managed to suppress it to the level where I need to hear it before I can believe it. It is like watching a movie and realising that the movie is about yourself. I don’t cry when I write the posts but I cry when I read them, I cry so much that my entire body shivers.

I suppressed what I’ve been through in order to survive, I couldn’t handle it and I couldn’t deal with it. I fled, not physically but mentally by trying to say that I only had myself to blame, it could be worse and that sex doesn’t mean anything. I learned how to live without emotions because as soon as I started to let myself feel my entire chest ached to the level where I could barely breathe. I kept not feeling even after it stopped, I was afraid that if I let go and started to process it I couldn’t bare what was hidden underneath.

It has been 6 years since the last time he sexually assaulted me and still he is the reason it hurts when I breathe, the reason I am terrified to death to fall in love because that means having sex with emotions and that I can’t do, the reason I fled my hometown and are miles away from my loved ones and the reason to so many other things.

He stole my virginity, I was 13 and he was 29. He was obese, bad teeth, poor hygiene and always with a cigarette between his lips. He was manipulative and he held my in an imaginary cage for 7 years. By imaginary cage I mean that he know what he would say to make sure that I wouldn’t tell and that I would keep showing up when he called. My therapist told me that it is still not to late to report him to the police and I realised when she said that, that I am still terrified of him. His words still echoes in my head. I havent seen him for several years and yet I am scared to death of him. Will this feeling of being terrified of him ever go away?

You held me in an imaginary cage and for that I hate you

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It was not my fault

I get this urge to tell my story to the world sometimes but as soon as I open my mouth I can’t to get a single word out. I get scared. I’m scared that it will make people judge me. I blamed myself for so many years, that scarred me, and I am afraid that when I tell my story people will say that it is partly my fault. Rape victims blame their self sometimes just because they didn’t scream or fight back, they don’t realise that that was their best shot at surviving. I never screamed, I didn’t fight but I did everything just to survive. Every morning I got up, I lived through it even when it was impossible. All my strength went to just surviving, I had no strength left to fight it. I learned to live with it. When I look back I wish that I would have screamed as loud as I could until my lungs bursted. It’s hard to live with the fact that I did not fight back, my therapist says that it is a surviving mechanism to enter auto mode when something like this happens to you. I’m trying to forgive myself for not fighting but it is really hard. I am so hurt and trying to deal with it and taking my life back brings back all memories.

For years I’ve denied and suppressed it, I did everything to try to find other explanations to what I’ve been through. I had sex with people I didn’t want to have it with just to relive the feeling of disgust and angst, because if I felt like that after sex maybe what happened to me wasn’t as bad as I was afraid it was? It didn’t help at all, it made it worse and made me want to crawl out of my skin. He has affected every moment of my life since the day he stole my virginity. First I lived with the sexual abuse, threats and manipulation for 6 years, when it finally came to an end I had to live with what I had been through. I had never said a word and until a year ago I had never said it when being sober. It wasn’t my fault and yet it made me feel ashamed of what I’ve been trough and i just couldn’t tell. It has created a wall between me and my family, they don’t understand why I have reacted and behaved as I have when growing up. I dont blame them even if I wish that they had seen that something was wrong. I think something’s that i did as a teenager was a silent cry for help, a whisper of see me see me save me!. But they didn’t and I did not scream either. I hope that I one day will find the courage to tell, I want them to know and I think I need them to know. I’m terrified that they will blame their self if and when I tell them. But if they don’t know my story they will never really know me and I owe them that because they are great parents. The fact that they were going through a divorce at the time matters, I don’t blame them for not seeing me when they were hurting so much for breaking up our family. It wasn’t their fault they didn’t see me and yet a part of me is so angry with them that I’m shivering.How could they not see me?

You made me blame myself and for that I hate you

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No matter how many breaths I take

Even in the moments where I am truly happy you’re there with you’re presence reminding me of how black life can be. Like a shadow I can’t outrun no matter how far I run, the world is not big enough. I fight you every moment of my life, you hurt me so bad that some days it is even a struggle to keep breathing. Those days all I can think is “just breathe”

You stole my will to breathe and for that I hate you

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