anniversary of going public with the rapes

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It is hard to figure out how to live my life. I am tired of being where I am but at the same time I know change and letting go takes time. I am trying ti accept that I cannot change everything at once,  time heals so time has to take just time.  I guess it is because it is hard that I want it to be over quicker, everything thag hurts you want done as quick as you can but this has no quick fix. It is part of more than half my life. I just relized it must soon be almost exactly a year since I told my parents.  No wonder I am all messed up.

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I wish you were raped

My attorney texted me yesterday telling me all charges against him would be dropped due to lack of evidence. My story was not enough. He had denied. The prosecutor had decided that there was nothing in the case that supported the accusation of sex with a minor. I want to be angry but all I feel is empty, disbelieved and dirty. I feel like there is nothing more to life because what he did to me has fucked my entire life up. I screw up every relation I have, he stole my right to be a kid and a teenager and it effects everything every fucking day!

How will I get my life back?

I keep surfing for motivational quotes, it sais “never never never give up”, “you never know how strong you are until you had to be” and “if the storm doesnt kill you it will make you stronger”. My storm has lasted for more than half of my life, it isnt blowing any less and it definately feels like it is breaking me apart and not building me up.

I know I will never give up, beacuse if I was to give up I would have done it years ago. I am just so fed up with this, when will it end? When will I get my life back? 

I texted my family, best friends and boyfriend the news yesterday. I couldnt talk to them, it would like be that hug that you cant accept when your on the verge of breaking down and it would push me over the edge. I know I would fall and hit ground so hard that all scars holding my wounds together would break.

I dont know where to go from here or what to do. I feel trapped. I feel let down. I feel worse than I have for a very long time. Worst of all I feel ashamed that this is my story and for that I hate him.

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what’s the point?

I can’t really see the point some days. what’s the point of living when all you feel is unheard and misunderstood?  I screw things up all the time. honestly I can’t really see the point.

good night and fuck life

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it is time

it’s been a while since I wrote a post. Unfortunately it is not because I feel a lot better it is simply because I’ve taken a break from all of it but I can only escape for so long. I think I need to take up where I left off. It is small things in my everyday day that reminds me that I still have loads to go through. This post is me trying to face my fear of facing my past.

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Grieving a lost childhood

I’m at the library, this feeling of sadness just hit me. I feel like a train just ran over me. I’m filled with this huge feeling of grief, I think it’s me grieving over years of lost childhood. I was on the phone with my mum the other day, the police had talked to her and she was going through her old diaries trying to find notes that could back up my story.  She read a piece from one of her old diaries, I must have been around 14 at the time, where she describes her sense of helplessness. She saw that I was struggling, she saw my pain but she could not do anything about it. I shut her out, I wouldn’t tell anything and if she tried to just be there for me I made it impossible. I cried out for help but made sure no one could give it to me. It tore my parents apart, inside and out.  So here I am, at the library, crying on my inside while trying to mend the depthless hole that this has created.

For the first time in my life, I am letting someone in. I am being the real me, I am done with trying to be something I am not. I want the people in my life to be in my life because they love me for who I am and what I am. I’ve started the journey to find who I really am, facing the emotions that lies along the way is a neccessary process to go through. If I want to put this behind me I need to find the courage to face everything that I couldnt face during the years of horror. I need to grief for that little girl inside me who used all her courage just to make it day after day.

I want to be curled up in my parents arms. I want this to have never happened. But there is no use in dreaming of things that cant come true so I will let my dad and mum know how I am feeling so that I let them be there for me this time and Ill dream of putting this behind me instead.

 

 

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FUCK YOU!

I’m not feeling ok, there is too much going on and I feel like I am slowly breaking down. I’m trying to fight it, trying to keep it up but it’s like my shell cracks. This morning I woke up feeling so angry! I hated everything! I wanted to smash something and nothing went as it should and that just kept building up the anger inside me!

I’m about to finish my master’s thesis, start my new job first of october, having a long distance relationship, moving out of my apartment in less than two weeks and the police is dealing with my report. It feels like I can’t breathe and the worst part is that the slightest unexpected happening puts me over the edge. A thin thread keeps me together and as long as I can control everything that happens I’ll make the day but when something that I havent planned for happens, I lose it. Yesterday my boyfriend told me over Skype that he wont make it this weekend due to work and normally that would be fine by me because I know that he is new at work and wants to start his career, I support him and I’m proud of him. The problem is that it was something that I didn’t control and I didn’t have the energy to fight my disappointment so it felt like someone kicked me to the curb. I tried to tell him that I’m proud of him and that I am happy for him but I realized that he didn’t buy that at all, who can? When im saying I’m happy for you while crying my eyes out.

Today was a catastrophe from the moment the alarm went off. I still felt bad for letting my emotions affect my relationship, I’m tired of this thing affecting absolutely everything. That makes me angry, angry that life isn’t fair and angry that someone elses acts ruins my life, over and over and over again. Then the day begun, I dropped stuff, out of toothpaste, couldn’t find my keys, headache and so on. Finally I made it to Uni and found some sort of peace in the library. They day seemed to sort itself out until I notice that both mum and dad had called several times. The police had asked them  both to come to the station and give their side of the story and yet again my world got turned upside down. I make it home, boyfriend calls on Skype and it is going ok until he gets all mopish. I ask him what it is and he wont tell. I feel it in my stomach, this is no good. He sais it is nothing, I don’t like when people say it is nothing because that usually means there is something greater. I chose to trust him, that it is nothing and we decide to hang up and to say good night later.

And that is where I am at right now, I’m in bed feeling in my stomach that something is up. I want to cry but I can’t. I don’t know how. I was eating my dinner when I was on Skype, I couldn’t finish after “it’s nothing” because I felt nauseous. I think I love someone for real for the first time ever and the thought of losing him is not bearable at the moment. So in order to make it, I don’t chose to trust and I have no other choise but to trust that “ it is nothing, just a bad day.

I’m so angry. I’m am so fucking angry! I deserve to be ok, I deserve to function so that I can have a relationship. I deserve to let someone love me. I, thanks to the rapist, make it almost impossible to love me. I scare people away and if I somehow don’t scare them off it usually ends with me pushing them away.

Right now, fuck absolutely everything. Screw life. Screw you who by raping me fucked up my entire life. Can you feel my anger?

FUCK

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Will the fear go away?

I’ll be ok, just not today, today Im scared. 

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I cant accept that hug right now so you have to force it on me.

Yesterday I took a huge and scaring step, I called the polis station to set up a time for when I will make the official report. Tomorrow at 10 am. I’m scared, confused, broken down, more scared, strong, alone, afraid and more scared. I don’t know where I will go afterwards, where do my life go from here? Will they be able to prosecute him or will word against word not be enough evidence? I stand by my decision, I need to file a report. What he did is not legal and filing a report is a step in my process of accepting that it was not my fault and that it was not ok. But I am so scared. The journey from here will be rough, hard and terrifying because no matter what the outcome of the report is I will be affected by it. Either it will go to court and then I have to testify out loud and in front of him what I have been through and everyone will know. If it wont go to court I will have to deal with the feeling of being unheard and my faith in the justice system will be challenged.

I’m in one way I’m feeling ok but at the same time I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck several times. I don’t really know what to do, I’m afraid that I’ll break down if I open up to much and that I can not cope tomorrow. I’m not trying to shut friends and family out I’m just trying to cope. 22 hours and 37 minutes, Id rather run a marathon without preparing for it than doing this but this is my lot, my life and this is what I have to deal with. There is a quote that helps me in times like these;

"Rock bottom is a good solid ground, and a dead-end street is just a place to turn around"

Maybe I need rock bottom, I need to find a solid ground to build my life on because building it on lies and denial makes it shiver in every little storm. When I woke up yesterday I felt strong, I felt like I owned the world and that I could conquer what ever crossed my path. I took all this strength and dialed the number to the officer I spoke too last time. 3 minutes later when I hung up, all my energy was drained and the feeling of “conquering the world” was long gone. I sat a long time on my kitchen chair, shivering and trying to get it together because as I wrote I’m afraid that if I really let go and feel what I need to feel I wont be at the station tomorrow.

I’m one exam and half a masters thesis from a masters in science. The exam is in a week and the thesis is due at the end of September but for the first time ever I decided that what I feel and how I feel is important and yesterday I felt that I need to file this report no matter what, then that is what I have to do. So if I don’t pass the exam this time, there will be other times. My life is here and now and I’m tired of putting it in front of me instead of living it.

I am definately not ok, Im terrified, Im lost and I dont know how I will react tomorrow or where/what to go/do afterwards but there is a meaning in everything and right now this is what I have to do. I will be ok, eventually.

So dear family and friends, Im not trying to push you away or to shut you out, I just cant ask for you to be around right now, I cant talk about it, I cant feel to much, I dont know how to share it or how to ask for you to know what I need without me telling. I need you, I really really do I just cant show it. Me not answering is not me ignoring you, it is me surviving. Me not asking for you is not me not needing you, it is me needing you so much I cant ask for it. Ive never been here before, I dont know how to or what to do and I dont expect you to either. This is just me trying to cope and to make it, surviving and breathing.

Im gonna go back to bed now, playing way to loud on my stereo and just ignoring the world and Im gonna cry my eyes out.

 

 

 

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I am disgusting.

Most of the time I consider myself to be non beautiful. It feels like I weigh 16 stones and I know that I don’t but that doesn’t matter because it is how I feel that matters. I’m struggling with feeling beautiful in my body, I feel disgusted, fat, used, molested and sometimes I just want to crawl out of my skin. I feel loads better when I eat healthy and exercise regularly the problem is that when I have my periods of depression I don’t have the energy to fight my bad thoughts. When I’m at the lowest I just want to eat, I eat until I feel sick because then I can blame the disgusting feelings on the food and not the real reason, which is that I can’t stand my own body because its been raped over 300 times. Where do I go from here? I’m sick of being fat and feeling disgusted by own body, I want to own my own body. I want to feel beautiful and I don’t mind having curves but I want to have them because I eat what I enjoy not because I eat so that I can survive just another hard period.

What I’ve been through has affected me in so many ways, it’s a long way to go but I will fight every step of it. Admitting my problem with food and how I feel about my body is a step. It’s a hard step because if you meet me, you wont be able to tell how I feel about myself. On the outside, you wont see any of what I write in this blog because I keep it to myself. Shame is not something you share is it something you hide.

Here is the truth, out load;

I am not comfortable in my own skin and how I feel don’t  match how I look. So when I have a dark moment I punish myself with eating loads just so my looks will match my feelings, the feelings of disgust and shame. Most of the time I feel so disgusted by myself I feel sick.

This is hurtful, I want to feel good about myself. I want to be able to be naked and not feeling used. There is so much shame, shame that I shouldnt carry but that I am stuck with. 

 

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I cant escape him

I’m sitting on the balcony, the sun has just set over the capital of my home country. The lights are lighting up the inner city and all the windows looks on far distance like tiny stars. Lights and stars gives the illusion of happiness but I know that what might look perfect on
the outside can be a disaster on a closer look. The summer night is colder than I expected it to be but the glass of wine keeping me company warms me up. A few hours ago a feeling of sadness came over me, it hurts and my heart aches. It was just a few minutes ago I realized where the sadness came from, I was watching a TV-show. The show was about obese people, I don’t have anything against obese people but the one who raped me was obese and obese people are triggers for what I tried so hard to suppress. I can feel the smell of him right now, smoke, sweat and coca cola. It’s like if he was sitting right next to me. The feeling is terrifying and I keep looking around me to make sure he isn’t here. It is impossible that he would be but the smell fools me. I feel suffocated. How can I escape him when where ever I go the memories and fear is right here with me?

It is time to call the police, to make the official report. I just can’t make the phone call. I want to. I need to. But how do I do it? I know that the police report just being around the corner and the fact that I finished the draft of my story just a few days ago makes it feel like I relive all of it again. I thought once would be enough but apparently not. Where will I go once I made the report? I’m terrified. I want to go away, I want to feel safe but if I learned something it
is that it doesn’t matter where I go because what I am escaping is what I carry with me and that I can never outrun. Right now I want to be held but I don’t know by who I just know I need it but I will never ask for it, I’m scared and I am scared to admit that I feel the way I do. I’ve always been strong, I’ve forced myself to be it, that is how I survived but now I realize that I can’t keep believing that strong is the only way. Now strong is to admit that I have no energy left to be strong on my own.

I always thought sharing with others that know what going through something really hard are the best ones to share with. I learned today that two people being hurt, scared and over sensitive at the same time is not always the best combination. I love my friends to death but I think that sometimes it is better to let the ones who are “ok” carry instead of sharing with those who already are caring their own story. Sometimes the energy is just enough to carry yourself.

Every time I take a breath it hurts, I keep telling myself that for every second of pain I let go of something that I won’t have to carry and that the pain of letting it out lets me know that I am feeling what I go through. For every day my burden will be lighter, some days the difference is not even noticeable but one day I will notice that the weight on my shoulders and chest is gone and I can finally feel free.

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