Most of the time I consider myself to be non beautiful. It feels like I weigh 16 stones and I know that I don’t but that doesn’t matter because it is how I feel that matters. I’m struggling with feeling beautiful in my body, I feel disgusted, fat, used, molested and sometimes I just want to crawl out of my skin. I feel loads better when I eat healthy and exercise regularly the problem is that when I have my periods of depression I don’t have the energy to fight my bad thoughts. When I’m at the lowest I just want to eat, I eat until I feel sick because then I can blame the disgusting feelings on the food and not the real reason, which is that I can’t stand my own body because its been raped over 300 times. Where do I go from here? I’m sick of being fat and feeling disgusted by own body, I want to own my own body. I want to feel beautiful and I don’t mind having curves but I want to have them because I eat what I enjoy not because I eat so that I can survive just another hard period.
What I’ve been through has affected me in so many ways, it’s a long way to go but I will fight every step of it. Admitting my problem with food and how I feel about my body is a step. It’s a hard step because if you meet me, you wont be able to tell how I feel about myself. On the outside, you wont see any of what I write in this blog because I keep it to myself. Shame is not something you share is it something you hide.
Here is the truth, out load;
I am not comfortable in my own skin and how I feel don’t match how I look. So when I have a dark moment I punish myself with eating loads just so my looks will match my feelings, the feelings of disgust and shame. Most of the time I feel so disgusted by myself I feel sick.
This is hurtful, I want to feel good about myself. I want to be able to be naked and not feeling used. There is so much shame, shame that I shouldnt carry but that I am stuck with.