Grieving a lost childhood

I’m at the library, this feeling of sadness just hit me. I feel like a train just ran over me. I’m filled with this huge feeling of grief, I think it’s me grieving over years of lost childhood. I was on the phone with my mum the other day, the police had talked to her and she was going through her old diaries trying to find notes that could back up my story.  She read a piece from one of her old diaries, I must have been around 14 at the time, where she describes her sense of helplessness. She saw that I was struggling, she saw my pain but she could not do anything about it. I shut her out, I wouldn’t tell anything and if she tried to just be there for me I made it impossible. I cried out for help but made sure no one could give it to me. It tore my parents apart, inside and out.  So here I am, at the library, crying on my inside while trying to mend the depthless hole that this has created.

For the first time in my life, I am letting someone in. I am being the real me, I am done with trying to be something I am not. I want the people in my life to be in my life because they love me for who I am and what I am. I’ve started the journey to find who I really am, facing the emotions that lies along the way is a neccessary process to go through. If I want to put this behind me I need to find the courage to face everything that I couldnt face during the years of horror. I need to grief for that little girl inside me who used all her courage just to make it day after day.

I want to be curled up in my parents arms. I want this to have never happened. But there is no use in dreaming of things that cant come true so I will let my dad and mum know how I am feeling so that I let them be there for me this time and Ill dream of putting this behind me instead.

 

 

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